Reminder: Your Neti Pot Is The Best Way To Drown Yourself On Dry Land
As the temperature dips this winter, so will your immune system—so be sure to maintain a regular exercise routine, eat healthfully, and take your vitamins and supplements. And also don’t forget that your trusty Neti Pot is still your best bet if you want to drown yourself on dry land to escape cold and flu season once and for all.
It isn’t until you actually own a Neti Pot that you realize how comforting it is to know you can drown wherever you’re standing, even if it’s nowhere near a body of water of sufficient drowning depth. I lost count of all the places I nearly decided to drown myself last year after I bought my first Neti Pot, and it felt downright liberating.
We live in an age where we can binge-watch TV shows wherever and whenever we want, surf the web on our phones, and order groceries directly to our homes. So doesn’t it only make sense that we should be able decide when and where we can drown? What use is freedom if you can’t choose to die while irrigating your sinuses at your herbalist’s office, or in the Whole Foods parking lot? As the world races toward optimum convenience, don’t forget that your old buddy, the Neti Pot, has always been a staunch proponent of giving people the ability to choose the setting in which they fill their lungs with water.
You don’t even have to die drowning if you don’t want to. You can be like me, constantly approaching the precipice of death before reeling back and coughing up the water just before the light leaves your eyes. That first deep, unobstructed breath of air through your squeaky-clean nostrils after nearly drowning while standing over your kitchen sink is more energizing than any matcha latte or hot yoga sesh.
Just remember: Never use water directly from the tap when choosing to die by Neti Pot. As you surely know, tap water may contain brain-eating amoebas, and while they, too, will definitely lead to death, that’s not what this is about. This is about filling your lungs with death-inducing fluid in a way that will likely confound most medical examiners upon first inspection. They’re also the last thing you want to be worrying about as you take your final breathes in this cold, empty life.