Luis is a columnist for Cracked.com and an astral projection of an unfathomable being from across the universe.
‘Star Wars’ Characters You Think You Are When You’re Really Jabba’s Rat Friend
You probably thought you’d be Rey. Or maybe Han?
My Restaurant Will Proudly Fuck Up Your Culture’s Signature Dish
Yes, my gyoza IS pizza-themed!
Need A Vacation From Your Vacation? Try Your Job!
Anything’s better than spending another minute with your family.
Stop Asking My World-Class Orchestra To Play The ‘Super Mario Bros.’ Theme
It’s so insulting.
I’m Trying Really Hard To Not Turn Your Vitamin D Deficiency Into A Dick Joke
This isn’t easy.
I Went Phoneless For A Week (Because A Mugger Stole My Phone)
Don’t you just hate it when we start going crazy when you’re without your phone for a week after a mass assailant robs you of it at gunpoint? Me too.
Confront Your Fears And Self-Doubt By Practicing Open-Eye Sneezing
Yes, your eyes WILL fly out of your head and dangle on your cheeks. But you’ll have confronted your fears in the process.
Macaulay Culkin And The Red Letter Media Guys Talk Conspiracies
Mack is joined by Mike Stoklasa, Rich Evans, and Jay Bauman.
All The Things To Throw Instead Of Your $70 X-Box Controller
X-Box controllers are expensive. Try throwing these unimportant things instead.
I Owe My Newfound Confidence To Therapy And Stilts (Mostly Stilts)
The secret to rebuilding my confidence was admitting that I needed help – the help of a trusted therapist and of a pair of 5-foot-tall circus stilts.
I’m Furious That Bunny Ears Used My Picture in an Article about Micropenises
When Bunny Ears used a stock image of my face in an article about micropenises, I thought my life was over. It was only just beginning.
My Feminist Video Game Was Banned From E3 And It’s B.S.
Everyone told me a male game developer shouldn’t try to make a feminist video game about the gender pay gap. But I did it anyway.
Jackfruit Is The Vegan Alternative To Dog Meat You’ve Been Waiting For
Look, we get it. There’s no need to preach to us about how good dog meat can be, and finding a healthy, delicious, vegan alternative can be difficult. Enter jackfruit, a freaky-looking, spiky fruit native to the tropical lowlands of Southeast Asia. Its meaty texture and neutral flavor will leave you amazed that you’re not […]
Identity Retreats: The Best Self-Care After You’ve Witnessed A Crime
I thought my life was over when I changed my identity and was forced into hiding. But boy was I wrong
Charitable Pooping Is A Thing And Allow Me To Explain
Ever feel like you’re letting your poops go to waste? Have you ever considered dropping them on the doorstep of people who may or may not need them?
3 School Lunches Your Child’s Bully Will Love
Cut out the middleman and prep for the bully’s palette instead! It’s good to know there’s at least one person likes your cooking.
Please Stop Jerking Off With My Luxurious Moisturizer
There are so many substances you can use to masturbate. All that I ask is that you don’t use my luxurious moisturizer. It’s not too much to ask, is it?
We Tested $20,000 Worth Of Moisturizers Because We’re Mad With Power
It began as a lazy reason to create some more fine Internet Content. It ended with a morbid obession that brought us to the brink of perpetual moistness.
You’re Not Infusing Your Vinegar And We’re All Judging You For It
Why are you doing this to yourself? To all of us?
As A Dream Interpreter, I’m Qualified to Say You’re All Disgusting Perverts
I already know the answer due to my years of experience as a dream interpreter, but have you tried watching something other than porn as you fall asleep?
The Beginner’s Guide To Salt (Because There’s A LOT Of Options)
You probably don’t have anything meaningful to do right now anyway.
I’m Hoping For A Cryotherapy Mishap That Turns Me Into Mr. Freeze
I can’t wait until one of my doctors makes an innocent mistake while adjusting the settings on the cryo-tank and it turns me into Mr. Freeze.
Oops! I Think I May Have Over-Exfoliated
As a general rule, you should never exfoliate so much that you accidentally end up brushing your teeth with your finger tips and Clinique facial scrub.
5 Hot Places We’re Visiting This Winter While You Suckers Freeze
Oof, this sand is maybe *TOO* warm!
Heal Thy Neighbor By Throwing Crystals Through His Window
The guy can really use the help, and I’m here to give it to him one 90 mile-an-hour moonstone fastball at a time.
Signs Your Nutritionist Thinks You’re A Disgusting Piece Of Shit
Does she ever pretend to choke you?
We Just Tried Western Medicine, And Holy Shit Is It Effective!
Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!
Poop Doulas And 4 Other Types Of Doulas You Didn’t Know You Need
A good doula is duty-bound to help you do things your way!
Oh No, The 2019 Must-Have Look Is The Movie Hackers
HACK THE PLANET! HACK THE PLANNNNEEEEET!
I’m Totally Okay Being Trapped Under This Weighted Blanket
Getting crushed to death never felt so safe.
I Won’t Breastfeed My Child, And If That Makes Me A Bad Dad, So Be It
I don’t care what you think of me. I’m not going to do it.
Why Can’t My Son Be My Emotional Support Animal? He’s On A Leash
He’s just as untamable as any beast.
Stop Screaming At Your Kids And Let Me Do It For You!
If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.
Recipes For Standing In Front Of The Fridge In Your Underwear At 2AM
Not to be confused for 3AM recipes.
Reminder: Your Neti Pot Is The Best Way To Drown Yourself On Dry Land
Free yourself of sinus infections once and for all (and confound investigators).
I Traveled The World And Didn’t Learn A Fucking Thing About Myself
It isn’t worth it, just stay home.
Reminder: Don’t Fuck Up This Turkey, Because You Can Really Use A Win Right Now
This Thanksgiving turkey is just the opportunity you need to have at least one thing go right. And you really need it because, let’s be honest, you can really use a win right now.
Marvelous Meat: This Plant-Based Burger Not Only Bleeds, It Screams
We spoke with Marvelous Meats’ CEO Rodger Diaz about his potentially game-changing screaming beef that psychologically satisfies.
We Can’t Get Enough Of These 5 Celebrity-Recommended Tax Havens
When celebs spill the beans on the best countries to open an offshore bank account to hide their wealth from different governments, we’re here for it.
6 Stages Of WTF When Your Meditation Teacher Says ‘Marinate’ Instead Of ‘Meditate’
You’re focusing on trying to enter a zone of heightened consciousness, but your guided meditation instructor keeps saying ‘marinate’ instead of ‘meditate.’
You’re Only Taking Yoga Classes So You Can Learn To Go Down On Yourself. Own it
Here’s a scenario: You’re in your first yoga class ever and you accidentally reveal that the only reason you’re there is so you can become limber enough to orally pleasure yourself. The class is stunned by your admission, and you’re shocked to discover that people do yoga for reasons other than orally pleasuring themselves. No […]
Compliments I Imagine You’ll Receive About This Fleshlight That’s Cleverly Disguised As A Gold Necklace
As a man, I believe it’s unfair for any woman to have fun that I cannot partake in myself. That’s why I’m the reason all the local bars that offer “ladies nights” must now also offer “men’s nights” that I personally do not attend out of fear of those who do, which only proves my […]