5 Hot Places We’re Visiting This Winter While You Suckers Freeze
While you suckers freeze in whatever hellish tundra you call home, we here at Bunny Ears will be hightailing it from the bitter winds of winter to some of the most gorgeous scorching hot beaches in the world. Luckily for you, our frigid readers, we’ve assembled a list of all the sandy beaches where we’ll be doing all of our topless sunbathing while sipping bottomless Mojitos.
Deep in the gorgeous water-filled underground caverns of Tulum is where we’ll be making fun of you, shivering, teeth-chattering, our arms gripped in a self-hug, mocking your feeble attempts at warmth. Then, still pretending to be you, we’ll ball our hands into fists and twist them again and again near our eyes in a pantomime that everyone will understand is supposed to be you crying because it’s just so, so cold while we are so, so warm. Later, because we are all drunk and no one cares, we will piss ourselves assuming you would stoop so low as to piss yourself for just a few fleeting moments of warmth. Our piss will dissipate throughout the cerulean waters, whereas yours will freeze your feet to the ground, further worsening your situation, much to our delight.
“Phuket about it!” is what we’ll say whenever one of us feels a twinge of empathy for your miserable frozen plight. We’re not entirely sure how we’ll get to Phuket, since we plan on being blackout drunk on the plane, on the way to the airport, when we buy tickets weeks prior, and all the days in between, but we do know that when we awaken from our drunken sojourn in the warm embrace of paradise, we won’t need to scrape ice off our windshields so we can drive through a snowstorm in a car with a broken heater to an office with a broken heater, like you.
Black sand beaches and tiki bars are where we expect you’ll find us when we arrive on the beautiful Hawaiian island. But then we imagine we’ll get swept up into a much more spiritually fulfilling journey. Maybe we’ll take in a few museums to learn about Polynesian cultures? Or stroll through Kahanu Garden to get a sense of what the land was like before western civilization left its indelible mark. Maybe we’ll gain a newfound respect for sugarcane as we learn about its important role in shaping the economy of the Hawaiian Islands, then wonder what their future holds now that production of the once lucrative crop has all but ended? Then we will have a sweaty clusterfuck in a yurt.
Turks & Caicos
We’re all trained to think of Turks and Caicos as two islands standing back-to-back, one of them throwing its hands in the air, like “Uh-oh! What’s happening?!” and the other pointing its thumb back at the first island, like “Pfft! Can you believe this guy?!” but it’s not that. It’s actually 40 hot, beautiful tropical islands, and you won’t be found on any of them. But it’s where you’ll find us while you get your tongues frozen against metal poles, or whatever you frigid freaks get up to after your brains have been ravaged by Cold Madness.
While you’re gingerly navigating icy roads to avoid starting a comically slippery 50 car pile-up, we’ll be in Miami dancing the night away at Miami Beach’s hottest nightclubs. There, we will popularize a new dance craze based on the plight of miserable cold people, like you, that we will call “The Slippery Fool.” It’ll mostly be a lot of flailing paired with the sudden jutting of legs in random directions, inspired by all the times you slipped on an icy sidewalk on the way to the mailbox. It’ll culminate in a final flashy maneuver where the dancer pretends to take a nasty fall that breaks multiple vertebrae and cries wondering if they’ll ever walk again. It’ll be a real hoot. Don’t forget to defrost your pipes.