The Beginners Guide To Beans. How To Beans? Why To Beans?
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Beginner’s Guide to Beans

Beginners Guide how to Beans

Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better to have an experienced guide to help on your journey.

This week we’ll be taking you through:

The Beginner’s Guide To Beans

Packed with fiber, plant protein, and antioxidants that help build a strong immune system, beans are vital for digestive health. And they’re delicious, too! The problem a lot of people seem to face is that there are so many different types of beans out there that people get dizzy looking at all the beans at their local grocer.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen frustrated folks standing bewildered in front of beans shouting, “Help! I’m not a bean genius! I don’t know what these beans do!”

Actually, I’ve never seen anyone do that. Who would? That person would’ve been killed long ago by any number of things that are more complicated than beans. I’m sorry. I wrote that after two hours of struggling to find a folksy and relatable entry point into a guide to beans. I think “#beans” is trending right now on some social media site or something. So here I am, doing my job to whip up a bean article on the fly.

So here’s a guide to beans, listed in no particular order.

Black Beans

Beginners Guide how to Beans

These cornerstones of Cuban cuisine are packed with fiber and plant-based protein. They’re also extremely versatile. They can be turned into burgers, stews, soups, dips – ok, four things. Probably a lot by bean standards. Black beans should be proud of themselves. I don’t know what else to say about black beans.

Lima Beans

Beginners Guide how to Beans

Lima beans are packed with fiber, protein, iron, and copper. You can build a damn plumbing system out of these beans. Not that you should. It won’t work. They’re just lima beans.

If you want more scintillating guides to vegetables like this one that took their inspiration from whatever was trending on Twitter an hour before it was published, might I refer you to our guide to the different types of corn. It was a real barnburner. Here, I’ll save you a minute and a half: there are a bunch of kinds but most people will only ever eat a couple types in their lifetimes so who cares? Had to hit that word count, though! 600-words about corn published by noon or I don’t get a shiny $35 PayPal’d into my bank account.

Pinto Beans

Beginners Guide how to Beans

I was told to keep things lively with some fun facts, so here’s a fun fact about pinto beans: In addition to being almost exactly the same as every other bean on this list, Pintos were also that car from the 1970s with the faulty rear fuel tank responsible for killing anywhere between 27 to 180 people who probably never thought they would burn alive in a subcompact hatchback named after a bean.

Kidney Beans

Beginners Guide how to Beans

Kidney beans contain a mineral called molybdenum that helps our bodies break down sulfites that can often be found in wines or cured meats like bacon.

This list is in “no particular order” because last time we tried to do something like this with that guide to corn, commenters jumped down our throats for getting the rankings wrong. The corns were listed alphabetically. People thought we were making a definitive list of the best corns. This is the world we live in now.

Soybeans

Beginners Guide how to Beans

I found out why “#beans” was trending on Twitter. A state representative in Delaware named Anthony Beans is currently leading the police on a high-speed chase after he set his neighbor’s dog on fire. The dog is fine, but if I’m ever paid for this article before the site shuts down, I’m going to feel like I’ve profited off of a dog that was set on fire by a man named Beans.

Soybeans are what tofu is made of.

Luis Prada
Luis Prada

Luis is a columnist for Cracked.com and an astral projection of an unfathomable being from across the universe.

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