Unconscious Uncoupling: Your Guide To A Pain-Free, One-Sided, Secret Divorce
Much has been made of Bunny Ears hero Gwyneth Paltrow’s decision to “consciously uncouple” from ex-husband Chris Martin, a process that entails mindfully and sensitively detaching from your spouse. That might be fine for Gwynny (we get to call her Gwynny, you should absolutely not call her Gwynny), but what if you’re just, like, really […]
How To Cook The Perfect Salmon Depending On Your Zodiac Sign
The Zodiac guides us through challenges in life. The stars are as wise as they are numerous, and strongly advise which recipes you should use to prepare salmon! Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Those who fall under the sign of Aries are teeming with chaotic energy. Mars, god of war, compels you to seek […]
I Unplugged For Two And A Half Hours And Now I’m An Objectively Better Person Than You
I was like you, once. Obsessed with my online reputation, getting into pointless arguments on Twitter, refreshing my news feeds every five seconds. I was wasting my life away, one click at a time. But then I stepped away from the Internet for a while and taught myself an important lesson about what really matters […]
Food & Recipes
This Poached Egg Hack Will Totally Ruin Your Marriage!
Poaching eggs is difficult, and so is marriage. They’re both hard to keep together. Any time you poach an egg, it could end up a runny, drippy mess, just like my husband Sean’s penis. Hi, Sean! Your shower technique is bad and your genitals are disgusting. Anyway, here’s a poached egg hack that will totally […]
Taking Your Daughter On Vacation, No Matter What the Judge Says
Have you and your daughter been drifting apart? Growing up is tough and can put a strain on a mother-daughter relationship, as can the mania and depression caused by your bipolar disorder. What better way to bridge the divide than to whisk her away on the tropical road trip of a lifetime! Sure, you could […]
Travel Guide: The Best Places to Cry In This Target
Whenever I’m home in Missoula, Montana and I find myself in need — whether I’m finally ready for new curtains or having a serious emotional crisis—I head on down to the local Target. Contained within these hallowed halls is everything you could possibly want (except fresh food, you have to cross the street to the […]
9/11 Was An Inside Job And Thanks To Turmeric My Skin Has Never Looked Better
You know, there was one silver lining to come from the tragedy that was September 11, 2001. Immediately after this ruthless attack, we banded together for the good of the nation, becoming stronger, more resolute, and more unified as a result. And in doing so we proudly showed the world one indisputable fact about Americans: […]
Um, I Got A Vampire Facial, But Bullets Still Seem To Hurt Me?
Is this why people aren’t doing this anymore? I know Kim Kardashian and some other people got them, but this doesn’t feel right. The procedure itself was fairly painless, but the rest really makes me think that maybe it’s- [Editors Note: Brian Gilmore was not available to finish this article because he is currently under […]
The Psychic Life-Hack That’ll Change How You Go To The Dentist
It may sound far-fetched and perhaps even insane, but psychic dentistry is the one true way to tame your mouth aura.
“Got A Hole? Fill A Hole!” (And Other Perfect Wedding Advice)
This weekend, I watched my friend get married. Waiting in line to greet the bride and groom, I overheard some of the best wedding advice from an attending cousin from Florida: “Got a hole? Fill a hole.” Most of my helpful advice is delivered with my middle finger, but when faced with a blushing bride […]
Episode 21 – Nerdy’s Booky Book Corner (Annotated)
Episode 20 – Eddie Kaye “LAEF” Thomas (Annotated)
Hi, I’m Craig The Intern, and they make me transcribe these every week. Everything’s going great so far! Like a warm, fuzzy memory of a junior-high friendship. The Guest: Eddie Kaye Thomas. The Lowdown: Eddie Kaye Thomas has known Mack since middle school. Eddie also knows Stew, and they all discuss their first impressions of […]
Podcast Episode 19 – Mysteries Abound! (Annotated)
Hi, I’m Craig The Intern, and they make me transcribe these every week. Everything’s going great so far! It’s no mystery why, because this place is awesome. But there are lots of other mysteries in the world… The Lowdown: Mack is drinking champagne with ice to kick off a show all about mysteries. As usual, […]
Podcast Episode 18 – The Return of Q&A (Annotated)
Hi, I’m Craig The Intern, and they make me transcribe these every week. Everything’s going great so far! Any questions? The Lowdown: It’s question and answer day, and the guys hope nobody will sue them for any reason! Now that the shows been going a while, and both hosts have social media, they thought it […]
Why Won’t John Cena Visit Me in the Hospital?
It’s a phrase I’ve seen a thousand times on armbands, miniature towels, and neon-bright t-shirts throughout the last 15 years. It’s not just a saying, but a way of life; a mantra which one can turn to when their dreams seem so far out of reach. Yet as I lay here on this hospital gurney, […]
A Guide To Grieving All The Yoshis You’ve Killed
The first stage of grief is harder than the last stage of Forest of Illusion.