Noticing—and Correcting—Mouth Breathing. You Fucking Mouth Breather.
Theodore Roosevelt, Genghis Khan, Gandhi, the Buddha — all proud nose breathers, pal.
How To Make Eight-Year-Old Brandon Think You’re The Coolest Counselor At Camp This Year
Hi, my name is Daniel O’Brien, and I am a hiker, Escape Room–avoider, and author, but before all that, many years ago, I was a camp counselor. I worked at a summer camp in Old Bridge, New Jersey for several years, and I still look back on the experience with tremendous fondness. I got to […]
Food & Recipes
Recipes For Your Ecstasy-Fueled PTA Potluck
Your annual Parent-Teacher Association potluck meetings are usually fraught with tension as parents and school faculty tussle to craft a wholesome learning environment while scarfing down microwaved potato skins. But with a little innocent subterfuge, a few crowd-pleasing recipes, and a bag full of ecstasy pills shaped like Spider-Man’s head, you can turn your stuffy […]
Which Diet Gave Me Chlamydia? An Investigation
I needed to lose some weight. The problem was I didn’t know where to start: Atkins, Keto, intermittent fasting—to name just a few. The more I researched, the more confused I got. Which is why I decided to try them all to figure out which works best for me and my body. And now I […]
How To Make Mac And Cheese For Your Black Friends, AKA The Correct Way
Step one: Grab your box of raisins. Throw it out the window.
Our Dream Fall Menu Is A Plate of Teeth and a Photo of My Dad
When Bunny Ears asked me to handle our harvest menu planning, I was thrilled. I love entertaining, and fall is my favorite season to do it. I didn’t just want to create a BEAUTIFUL feast, I wanted to create my DREAM feast. So to inspire myself, I loaded up on Benadryl and rode that pink […]
How To Hack Your Urethra
When early ape arose from the shore of our great ocean womb, no longer could we protect our monkey eggs from the harshness of a dry environment. It was then that our vestigial tail bud tissue formed the pulpy genitalia we so cherish today. For snakes, this process involved unused limb flesh being repurposed into […]
Hoodies: Zip-Ups vs. Pull-Overs (A Definitive Guide For Garbage People)
The debate is as old as the internet itself. Who knows, it may be even as old as the sweater itself – we have no way of knowing. And yet still, today, in 2018, the argument rages on: which type of hoodie is superior: the zip-up or the pull-over? You may be asking why, at […]
Vintage Looks So Authentic We Swear You’ll Contract Polio
Vintage looks are not only environmentally sustainable enough to cancel out brunch queen’s Skyler’s HydroFlask collection, but donning retro style will never stop being stylish AF. They symbolize the poise and elegance of a time long gone, when slim silhouettes were both chic and easily maintained by contracting that helpful calorie-burning whooping cough. Here are […]
Why I Won’t Move In With My Boyfriend Until We’re Engaged Or At Least Dating
My friends are often surprised to find out that I won’t move in with a guy until I’ve got a ring or at least an understanding that we are a couple. Sure, it’s a little old fashioned, but it’s what works for me. I’m not some stuffy agony aunt trying to tell you what to […]
Macaulay Culkin Sits Down With Allee Willis on the Bunny Ears Podcast
Aaron Sorkin had better take notes, because Allee opens up about the real social network.
I Shot The Dog In ‘Duck Hunt’ And It Really Messed Me Up
Your cousin lied when he said he shot the dog in Duck Hunt. Because if he had, he’d be scarred for life.
Which Member of GWAR Should You Hire To Tutor Your Child?
The Berserker Blothar? Or perhaps Bonesnapper?