Compliments I Imagine You’ll Receive About This Fleshlight That’s Cleverly Disguised As A Gold Necklace
As a man, I believe it’s unfair for any woman to have fun that I cannot partake in myself. That’s why I’m the reason all the local bars that offer “ladies nights” must now also offer “men’s nights” that I personally do not attend out of fear of those who do, which only proves my point: Gendered fun is no fun at all. So you can imagine my anger when I discovered that famous health and lifestyle brand Goop sells in its online store a vibrator for female pleasure that is cleverly disguised as a 24-karat gold necklace.
I did some tai chi and deep breathing exercises to rediscover my spiritual center, then popped a Klonopin when they failed. Glowing with a mellow chemical relief, I realized there’s plenty of room in the market for two covert sex toys for the fashionably wealthy. So, not to be outdone, I present to you a similar sex-positive product with fellas in mind. It’s a discreet 24-karat gold Fleshlight masquerading as a necklace that I personally wear and fuck daily. Now, you can, too!
I could give you a list of reasons why you should buy my Fleshlight that’s cleverly disguised as a gold necklace. For starters, it’s very fashionable, it goes with everything, and you can fuck it. But the best reason of all are the compliments I imagine you’ll receive, such as:
“That necklace is so discreet, I wouldn’t have known it was a Fleshlight if you had jerked me off with it.”
“Did you just come from or are going to some kind of ball or gala?”
“Wow! That is definitely a beautiful 24-karat gold necklace and not a male masturbation aid!”
“I love it when the strong wind that blows through the large hole in your necklace sounds like the haunting howl of a distant train.”
“It really brings out your eyes.”
“It’s such a good idea that I’d be willing to buy it for 17 times its production cost, and I bet many others would, too.”
If you’re ready to be buried under a pile of these compliments and many more, hop on over to our shop and pick up a chic secret fuckhole for yourself so you can Masturbate Wherever, Whenever, In Style (trademark pending).
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…