Lifestyle Tips I Learned From the Cadavers on Bones
Television inevitably influences the fashion sense of its viewers (raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by “the Rachel”), though you may not think a series like Bones, focusing as it does on the maggot-covered remains of terribly unfashionable people, has much to offer in that regard. Well, I’m here to tell you that just because a series is best watched on an empty stomach doesn’t mean it can’t inspire your look. Through multiple binge sessions of this instant classic, I’ve learned countless beauty and fashion tips that could also save your life or at least ensure a pretty corpse. Here are a few of them.
Natural fibers might look and feel better than artificial, but they’ll decompose along with your corpse. Your apparent lack of clothing might mistakenly indicate a sex crime to investigators, which was Agent Booth’s first instinct about Cleo Louise Eller in the pilot episode. Dr. Brennan won’t be there to inform anyone of wool’s decomposition rate in the event of your death, which could lead investigators down the wrong path for months.
Overly long, intricately manicured nails, whether real or fake, are trashy and also prone to breaking off in a violent struggle. You could accidentally leave a nail fragment or decoration on your victim’s remains that unquestionably identifies you as the murderer, which happened in two separate episodes of Bones, “The Woman at the Airport” and “The Putter in the Rough.” Definitely steer clear.
Also in the episode “The Woman at the Airport,” the team is initially stumped by the victim’s numerous bone-altering cosmetic surgery procedures, rendering her difficult to identify. Lesson: Learn to love yourself and age gracefully, just in case you’re murdered. They do end up identifying her by the serial number on her breast implants, so that’s A-OK.
In multiple episodes, most notably “The Plain in the Prodigy” and “The Signs in the Silence,” mineral deposits in a victim’s bones provided key clues to the team about where and when the victim lived. You might have bought that cute cottage in Amish country for its status-raising rustic charm, but the scientist’s investigating your death don’t know that. All they see is a lowbrow hick, and you can’t assure them of your social class because you’ll be dead. Best to stick to more fashionable regions, or your reputation may never recover.
Canoodling with the rich and fabulous doesn’t have to end when your life does, so ideally, your death will feature at least one celebrity guest star. The best way to make sure this happens is to become a ghost and make sure the investigators know you’re still kicking around, if not literally. That will force the team to call in psychic medium Avalon Harmonia, played by Cyndi Lauper, as in the episodes “The Ghost in the Machine” and “The Psychic in the Soup.” Failing that, try to get dogs involved in your murder in some way so you can at least maybe swing Cesar Milan. Your best chances for a star-studded death are during a main character’s wedding, a season finale, or some other major narrative event. Admittedly, the lines of reality are getting fuzzy for me.
Keep a vial of bioluminescent bacterium P. phosphoreum in your purse at all times. If you’re attacked and find yourself suddenly dying to death, pour the vial into the wound. The bacteria will enter your bloodstream and absorb into your bones, causing them to glow after decomposition and/or predation has stripped them of flesh, as in the case of Carly Victor in the episode “The Glowing Bones in the Old Stone House.” You will have the most Instagrammable funeral ever.