Hot Piles Of Garbage: Editor Amanda Mannen’s Morning Routine
Amanda lives in Missoula, Montana, so we didn’t actually go out there to observe her morning routine firsthand even though LAX is one of the few airports that actually flies directly to Missoula because we’re scared of Republicans.
Choosing The Right PR Firm For Your Racist Kids
With the right team of professionals, your child can avoid any and all consequences.
I’d Quit My Fashion Job But I Love Dressing Rich People As Literal Dicks
For me, it started small. It was a beanie that looked like a dick.
Barney The Dinosaur On Shopping, Sex, And His Healthy Purple Glow
We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we […]
Travel Guide: Night Vale
I don’t really know how I ended up in Night Vale. No one here does. One day, you just find yourself there.
Why We’ve Moved Our Offices To A Barge On International Waters
It has zero to do with our recent legal troubles, okay?
The Best Illegal Souvenirs From Around The World (That Aren’t Shirts)
Because fuck shirts. Except ours, you should buy ours with that link to your right.
The Best Places in Calgary to Make Fun of Canadians
And so I’ve fulfilled all legal requirements to write off this trip on my taxes!
Thanksgiving Recipes The Whole Family Better Fucking Agree On
I swear to fucking God they better after all of this bullshit I went through this year.
Can You Screw Up Pizza? We’re Gonna Try!
You know what they say: You can’t screw up pizza! But we’re gonna try.
Please Stop Trying To Cleanse My House of Evil Spirits, They Do The Dishes
It happens every time: I invite a friend over for brunch, a tarot reading, or an intravenous drug party, and they soon notice that my house is clearly haunted. It’s admittedly hard to miss— objects fly around seemingly of their their volition, and there’s that faint, creepy whispering from deep within the walls. I try to […]
Make Your Relationship As Good As The One I Have With This BBQ Pulled Pork Macaroni And Cheese
Relationships can be tough, but when you find your perfect other half, you’ll be amazed by how easy things can be. I personally feel so lucky to be in a relationship that’s so intuitive and carefree. I am, of course, talking about my relationship with this barbecue pulled pork macaroni and cheese. It’s a simple […]
Culinary Experiments That Are Also Depressing Thought Experiments
You know what they say: Candy is dandy, but the call of the void will send you spiraling down into an existential crisis. No matter how much you try to avoid it, there will be times in your life when you’ll question the meaning of everything and, indeed, the very nature of the universe. So […]
The Beginner’s Guide To Your Best Battle Lashes
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide, our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. This week we’ll be taking you through: The Beginner’s Guide To Your Best Battle Lashes The eyelashes are the secret weapon in every woman’s beauty arsenal, and we mean […]
What To Do With Your Newly-Shredded Banksy
On Friday, a framed canvas version of rogue street artist Banksy’s famous painting, Girl With Balloon, sold at auction for $1.1 million, only to immediately self-destruct when a mechanism within the frame shred the piece upon sale. Because you are doubtlessly a collector of fine art, and that man clearly has a finite number […]
Travel Guide: An Incredible Hotel Where You Can Stay Forever
Years ago, I found this amazing hotel, and it is my distinct pleasure to share it with you now. I found it while I was road-tripping through California. I don’t remember exactly where—all I know is that it was located on a dark desert highway. It was unseasonably cool, and the fragrant wind was blowing […]
I Solved All My Problems By Avoiding Them On The Pacific Crest Trail
Recently, I hit rock bottom. I think it all started as a child when my parents divorced, and it amplified in my adult years when my mother died. I know these are things most people “work through” at some point in their lives, but I don’t believe in therapy and no amount of crystals were […]
How To Deal When Your Decorating Tastes Are Too Extra For Your Partner
Moving in together is a big step forward in a relationship, and with all the major issues to talk about—how you should divide chores, who handles which bills, making sure they know you hiss and singe whenever the drapes are opened—potential aesthetic clashes often go undiscussed. Which brings me to this poster of Ronald Reagan […]
Recipe: All-Natural Homemade Four Loko
2010 was a dark year: There was that earthquake in Haiti, Ronnie James Dio died, and Four Loko got banned. Sure, it came back, but only as a shell of its former self, with none of the delicious stimulants that got us totally lit. But you’re older now, wiser. You’re horrified that you used to […]
This Year’s Hottest Diseases and How to Get Them
Just like fashion, the medical world is ever-evolving at an ever-increasing pace. The diseases of yore, like syphilis and tuberculosis, had their moments for entire decades, sometimes even centuries. But these days, you can hardly catch the latest sexy yet pitiable disease, much less cure it, before the next big thing comes along. Last year, […]
You Are Clearly Not Trying Hard Enough to Have Vaginal Orgasms
Listen up, bitch. I’ve had just about enough of your shit. As your sex therapist, I find it deeply concerning and frankly suspicious that you still can’t manage to have vaginal orgasms. I don’t care that you don’t pay me or even know how I keep getting into your house. What’s important is that I […]
Wake Up, Sheeple: Peanut Allergies Don’t Exist
Everyone knows the Western medical industrial complex pumps the American people full of lies along with the occasional life-saving antibiotics. They tell us vaccines are safe, even though we have an entire (officially discredited, whatever) study proving otherwise. They insist that most people have no trouble digesting gluten but refuse to explain why my aura […]
Lifestyle Tips I Learned From the Cadavers on Bones
Television inevitably influences the fashion sense of its viewers (raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by “the Rachel”), though you may not think a series like Bones, focusing as it does on the maggot-covered remains of terribly unfashionable people, has much to offer in that regard. Well, I’m here to tell you that […]
This Summer’s Hottest Books You Could Read Instead of Harry Potter Again But Probably Not
Are you a Hogwarts fan? Are you sick of being antagonized by people telling you to “read another book”? Is your life and family in danger of financial ruin because of your addiction to writing Harry Potter fanfic? If you answered “yes” to any or all of these questions (and obviously you did), the Bunny […]
Extremely Local Eating: Steal From Your Neighbor’s Garden
Eating locally is an important way to make sure everyone knows you care about the environment and also don’t need to eat cheap Mexican fruit. Of course, the best way to do that is to cultivate your very own vegetable garden. It doesn’t get much more local than right outside your artfully decorated terrace. The […]
I Thought I Was Detoxing But It Was Actually Sepsis
I haven’t exactly been feeling my best lately – low energy, dull skin tone, regular menstruation, etc. All the signs that a good old-fashioned cleanse was in order. To celebrate, I went over to my tattoo artist’s house and got myself some new ink made from only the finest all-natural organic vegetable oils and flower […]
Unconscious Uncoupling: Your Guide To A Pain-Free, One-Sided, Secret Divorce
Much has been made of Bunny Ears hero Gwyneth Paltrow’s decision to “consciously uncouple” from ex-husband Chris Martin, a process that entails mindfully and sensitively detaching from your spouse. That might be fine for Gwynny (we get to call her Gwynny, you should absolutely not call her Gwynny), but what if you’re just, like, really […]
Children’s Party Ideas That’ll Really Make Your Kids Earn Their Keep
Listen, you have to throw at least a few birthday parties for those sticky, squirmy parasites who insist on calling you “Mommy” no matter how many times you tell them your actual name. If you don’t, your mom-friends will start to get resentful of how many cupcakes they’ve forked out in the past, and it’s […]
Travel Guide: The Best Places to Cry In This Target
Whenever I’m home in Missoula, Montana and I find myself in need — whether I’m finally ready for new curtains or having a serious emotional crisis—I head on down to the local Target. Contained within these hallowed halls is everything you could possibly want (except fresh food, you have to cross the street to the […]
Recipe: 24k Chicken Wings? Just Melt Down a Gold Brick and Drink It, You Asshole, Fuck It
Hot, smooth, liquid gold. IMAGES: HBO/Game Of Thrones, CNBC/”Gold Is Going To Tank”
We Contacted Marilyn Monroe’s Ghost, And TBH She Was Kind Of A Drag
It’s an age-old question: If you could have dinner with any famous person, living or dead, who would it be? For a lot of women living that #blessed Hollywood lifestyle, the answer is obviously Marilyn Monroe. Not only was she talented, intelligent, and troubled, she probably has some bomb makeup tips. Well, for those of […]
Caring for Those Wild Animals Infesting Your Home Thanks to Jumanji
So, you played Jumanji and now your house is filled to the brim with animals. What do you do now?
My Bloody Showdown With The Menstrual Cup Cult
Has this ever happened to you? You’re out shopping, spa-ing, or dishing over brunch with your girlfriends, when you casually announce that you need to visit the ladies’ room to change your tampon—only to discover that you’re among members of the cup cult. “You’re still using tampons?!” they shriek, proceeding to subject you to a […]
bunnyglow: The Radioactive Drink That Makes You Radiant
Here at Bunny Ears, we know that keeping up the required skin care routine is a real time investment. By law, the time we spend cleansing, toning, moisturizing, massaging, milking, praying, ritual dancing, and on and on can feel like such a waste. We’d much rather spend that time growing our careers and spending time […]
Confuse And Terrify Your Children Into Eating Healthy
Try these handy tricks to both terrify and confuse them into submission.
How I Escaped My Children This Summer
Oh, sure, everyone always gets sooooo excited for summer. A smorgasbord of fashionable outdoor festivals, sipping mai-tais on elegant beach-side patios, entirely new ways of getting judged by your body – what’s not to love? Your kids, for one thing. Did it occur to you that your kids are going to be home all day, for […]
Recipe: The 27 Flavors I Added to This Muffin Mix Until I Could Feel Something
I used to be like you. When I was a child, I could be satisfied with a simple vanilla cupcake. Oh, how wistful I am for those days of carefree innocence. As I grew older, my palate matured, and I craved the apple cinnamon crumble. I longed for the orange chocolate creme brulee. I was […]
What’s All This, Then? Objectively, Nothing Matters, So … Fuck It?
Seriously. Do whatever the fuck you want.