How To Say No To Your Children Right In Their Smug Fucking Faces
With the ever-spreading threat of “affluenza” on the rise, it’s more important than ever to set firm boundaries for your children. I know it’s tempting, when you have a bottomless pit of money, to indulge every whim of your tiny clone, but you know what that gets you? Not a tiny clone—a huge douchebag. I know that I for one did not go through 18 hours of my surrogate’s labor to end up with a jerk who I can’t stand, so assuming you feel the same, it’s time to start learning how to say “no” to your children right in their smug fucking faces. With our patented three-step system, the process is easier than ever.
Step 1: Their Smug Fucking Faces
Obviously, you can’t just shout “no” out of nowhere, when they’re supervising the nerd you pay to do their homework or getting liposuction. That might create confusion, and you very much need them to do both of those things. The key to making sure they understand their limits, and wiping those smug smiles off their goddamn faces, is to wait until they want something. It’s going to require some patience—it might take up to an entire hour if that nerd is slacking off on the job—but it’s necessary for the system to work. It’s also essential that the thing they want is unreasonable, because it turns out it’s actually illegal to deny them food or shelter, and you’re not going back to prison, you’d die first. Maybe it’s a brand new house? Another month-long trip to Disneyland? A brand new house inside Disneyland? This is going to force you to make some sacrifices, because living in Disneyland would be rad as hell, but you have to stay strong for the good of your children. I believe in you.
Step 2: Say “No” Right In Their Smug Fucking Faces
Have they come up with yet another ostentatious demand? Is the smug smile firmly affixed to their stupid little faces? Now’s your time. You’ve got them right where you want them. Shout “no” right in your children’s smug fucking faces. Don’t accidentally say “yes” instead, but don’t feel bad if you do. It’s a very common beginner’s mistake, because old habits are hard to break, and you can always try again next time. If you feel shaky, try some deep breathing and visualization first. Focus on the word “no” and the look you’ll see on their punchable faces when you say it. Really concentrate on it, take a deep breath, force your mouth into an angry circle, and shout “no” right in their ass-licking beak-holders.
Step 3: Enjoy
Oh, man, look at their faces. Are you seeing this shit? Are you loving it? It’s important that you’re loving it because it will create an association in your brain between saying “no” right in their smug fucking faces and the flood of dopamine you experience as you watch them cycle through confusion, disbelief, and finally outrage. This association will reinforce the behavior and make it more likely you’ll do it again. It’s like Pavlov’s dogs, but you’re both Pavlov and the dogs. Your children are the dogs, too, because the more they hear “no,” the less smug they’ll become over time. Listen, it’s all dogs, don’t think about it too hard.
Tune in next time, when we’ll tell you how to tell your teenagers that it’s time to wipe their own asses. You know, maybe you shouldn’t have had kids.