This New Form of OxyContin is Truly Better Than Sex

September 3, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
Share this on
  • 13
    Shares

As busy mom and business owner, I often need a pick me up throughout the day. Most of the time, this comes in the form of the pearl-infused matcha latte at the corner shop, but some days, the creamy green goodness just isn’t working. Thankfully, around three months ago, I found a vice that really changed my life. It has made me a better wife, mother, and human. That thing was OxyContin.

Around this time, my husband and I started seeing a sex therapist. We had perfectly regular sex life, but I found myself yearning for the excitement of new love. I had even begun contemplating having an affair. She coached us though a series of new and exciting positions, but after six months of extensive, conscious discussion, it became clear that this wasn’t working. Desperate to keep my marriage intact, I decided that in lieu of hot sex, I could try hot drugs. Some persistent complaining about imaginary pelvic pain was all it took to trick our therapist into writing me a prescription.

Imagine my delight when I found out that my prescription was for a new and more sensual version of the already magical pill. Unlike traditional OxyContin, this new formula isn’t meant to be ingested as a pill but rather a delightful snow-like powder. When mixed into liquid, it turns a caramel-y color that can easily pass for iced tea at a PTA meeting or a tumbler of single malt at home.

With the first dose, I was overcome. I don’t even need sex anymore—this new form of OxyContin is truly better than sex. Whenever I even look at it sitting on my shelf, I think “Oooh, daddy” and my butthole puckers. Sure, my husband is feeling a bit neglected, but we’re actually happier now that I don’t hate him anymore. It’s even been wonderful for my relationship with my daughter, who always says I’m not listening to her. Now she knows I am just high.

Despite being private about my medical file, I couldn’t help but casually mention T.O.D.D. (as I call it, for Terrific OxyContin Day Drink) in conversation with the other women in my life. After all, it is life-changing. The other wives at my child’s playgroup are always asking me about T.O.D.D. Where did I meet him? How long has this been going on? Aren’t I ashamed? Then they ask me if Bill knows. I keep telling them “Of course, Bill knows. He watches me suck on T.O.D.D. every night.”

I can’t thank our therapist enough, and I would encourage all couples to try sex therapy. Not because it works, mind you. But when it inevitably fails, they can write you a prescription for something better.

Images: Pexels, PexelsPexels


Share this on
  • 13
    Shares

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

The Beginner’s Guide to Raising Your Gifted Kombucha


The Psychic Life-Hack That’ll Change How You Go To The Dentist


Our Vaginal Jade Eggs Hatched Into Vaginal Jade Birds and the Pain is Unimaginable


They’re Just Like Us! My Dog Is Also Clinically Depressed 


How To Deal When Your Decorating Tastes Are Too Extra For Your Partner


Cool Stuff to Buy

Stalk Us

logo
Home Lifestyle Pop Culture Wrestling Podcasts Videos About Us