This New Form of OxyContin is Truly Better Than Sex
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This New Form of OxyContin is Truly Better Than Sex

As busy mom and business owner, I often need a pick me up throughout the day. Most of the time, this comes in the form of the pearl-infused matcha latte at the corner shop, but some days, the creamy green goodness just isn’t working. Thankfully, around three months ago, I found a vice that really changed my life. It has made me a better wife, mother, and human. That thing was OxyContin.

Around this time, my husband and I started seeing a sex therapist. We had perfectly regular sex life, but I found myself yearning for the excitement of new love. I had even begun contemplating having an affair. She coached us though a series of new and exciting positions, but after six months of extensive, conscious discussion, it became clear that this wasn’t working. Desperate to keep my marriage intact, I decided that in lieu of hot sex, I could try hot drugs. Some persistent complaining about imaginary pelvic pain was all it took to trick our therapist into writing me a prescription.

Imagine my delight when I found out that my prescription was for a new and more sensual version of the already magical pill. Unlike traditional OxyContin, this new formula isn’t meant to be ingested as a pill but rather a delightful snow-like powder. When mixed into liquid, it turns a caramel-y color that can easily pass for iced tea at a PTA meeting or a tumbler of single malt at home.

With the first dose, I was overcome. I don’t even need sex anymore—this new form of OxyContin is truly better than sex. Whenever I even look at it sitting on my shelf, I think “Oooh, daddy” and my butthole puckers. Sure, my husband is feeling a bit neglected, but we’re actually happier now that I don’t hate him anymore. It’s even been wonderful for my relationship with my daughter, who always says I’m not listening to her. Now she knows I am just high.

Despite being private about my medical file, I couldn’t help but casually mention T.O.D.D. (as I call it, for Terrific OxyContin Day Drink) in conversation with the other women in my life. After all, it is life-changing. The other wives at my child’s playgroup are always asking me about T.O.D.D. Where did I meet him? How long has this been going on? Aren’t I ashamed? Then they ask me if Bill knows. I keep telling them “Of course, Bill knows. He watches me suck on T.O.D.D. every night.”

I can’t thank our therapist enough, and I would encourage all couples to try sex therapy. Not because it works, mind you. But when it inevitably fails, they can write you a prescription for something better.

Images: Pexels, PexelsPexels

Elizabeth Teets
Elizabeth Teets

Author - Dazzler - Queen

Elizabeth Teets is a Portland based Writer, Comedian and Fashionista. She is the host of Queens of Hollywood X-Ray Fm and producer of the Women In Comedy series Isn't She Great at the Hollywood Theater. She strives every day to make Elle Woods and Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 equally proud. You can follow her on Twitter @elizabethteets but you should really try @elteets on Instagram because that's where the outfits are.

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