Elizabeth Teets is a Portland based Writer, Comedian and Fashionista. She is the host of Queens of Hollywood X-Ray Fm and producer of the Women In Comedy series Isn't She Great at the Hollywood Theater. She strives every day to make Elle Woods and Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 equally proud. You can follow her on Twitter @elizabethteets but you should really try @elteets on Instagram because that's where the outfits are.
I Tried to Carbonate Mad Dog 20/20 and My SodaStream Went On Strike
Part of my 18 for 2018 was to become more environmentally conscious. I convinced my boss to stop buying plastic cutlery for the office, asked my landlord to provide composting facilities for residents of my building, and even started a separate container for those bags of kale I buy every time I go to the […]
I Cloned Myself So I Could Wear Six Different Looks On My Wedding Day
When Alex asked me to marry him I was the happiest girl in the world. I couldn’t wait to tie the knot in front of all our friends, family, and hundreds of other people I invited for the gifts. After hours of picking out table settings, flowers, and bridesmaids thin enough to be in my […]
I Inject My Kids With Kindness – NOT VACCINES
In 2016, after my eighth round of IVF, I was finally blessed with my stunning designer triplets, Hayden, Kayden, and Dave. After becoming a mom, I started doing some hard soul-searching. What type of parent did I want to be? I was interested in combining parenting with the holistic, natural, and spiritual philosophies by which […]
This New Form of OxyContin is Truly Better Than Sex
As busy mom and business owner, I often need a pick me up throughout the day. Most of the time, this comes in the form of the pearl-infused matcha latte at the corner shop, but some days, the creamy green goodness just isn’t working. Thankfully, around three months ago, I found a vice that really […]
Spa Treatments Perfect For After Long Days Of Sexual Harassment
Scrub off dead skin cells AND all those disgusting comments you heard today.
Way Too Formal Breakfasts For After Casual Sex
I have always considered myself a sex-positive woman. I have needs, and I’m not afraid to admit it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t treat my (extremely casual, no strings-attached) partner, Liam, with dignity and kindness. We might not be a couple (which again, I’m 100% okay with), but I don’t ever want him to […]
What’s Sex With A Man Like? Our Writers Want To Know
We’ve heard about it in rap songs and on pamphlets, and we know it must at least be as great as McDonald’s because those are the two things they miss most on Orange Is the New Black. But what’s it really like?
My Morning Routine: Pilates And An Orgasm From A Stranger
It’s a simple thing, but I think it is worth it.
Ways to Relax When You’re Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop
Because things can go horribly wrong at literally any moment.
Color Of The Month: The Slightly Gray Skin Under Your Exhausted Eyes
It goes with literally everything—especially your tears.
Let Your Nemesis Know You’re Thriving With These Tasteful Billboards
Give the haters something truly majestic to admire.
Bond With Your Kids By Playing “Fuck, Marry, Kill” With Them
Get in touch with their inner lives!
Designer Strap Ons: His Dick May Be Real, But Yours Is 9 Inches of Dior
Read on for the latest trends in dildo couture.
If My Kids Love Me so Much, Why Won’t They Donate to My Patreon?
If My Kids Love Me So Much, Why Won’t They Donate To My Patreon
We Put A Naked Lady Doing Yoga On This Article So You Will Click
Look, we all know you only browse yoga articles because maybe you’ll see a nipple or something. Whatever.
These Credit Cards Relieve Menstrual Cramps And Fix Your Hair
If Dick Cheney had a period the Iraq war would have never been started because he would be too busy going to the hospital every full moon.
How To Not Feel Judged By Your Friends’ Sobriety
I am a human being trying to live her best life. And for me that means vodka all day every day. And I am not going to apologize for that.
Elbows Are Out: Hinges Made of Lincoln Logs Are In
Not only are my Lincoln Log hinges fashionable they also make so many daily activities better. No longer do I have to worry about damaging my joints when I do yoga.
This Map Shows The Best Passive-Aggressive Mom Comments By Region
Boy do these sting!
How I Am Training For This Year’s Breastfeeding Olympics
As a five time Breastfeeding Olympic athlete there is nothing I wouldn’t do to grab another gold. This is what I am doing to train.
Redirect Your Anxiety Into Your Children To Make Them Stronger
Because why shouldn’t they learn from your fears?
Cute Purses That Won’t Hold Your Emotional Baggage
This third one definitely won’t help with your crippling social anxiety!
The Best Places to Find Inner Peace And Hopefully An Affair
How do you decide where to go to find inner peace and hopefully an affair with someone whose voice doesn’t make you wish you would just die already.
Using Small Amounts Of Products My Boyfriends Wife Has In Her Bathroom Improved My Skin
She has such good taste, and really springs for the good stuff!
Slut Shaming Is Wrong Unless I Am About to Finish
No man should be going around calling women names unless they are in my bed, kitchen, or bathtub and I am about 30 seconds away from le petit mort.
Ethically-Made Culturally Appropriative Halloween Costumes—Finally!
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had a costume bucket list; things and people I’ve always wanted to be. But due to the rise of the PC police, keyboard warriors, and people with “ethics,” many of the costumes on my list are now considered offensive—or even straight up racist! I’m not here to offend […]