I Cloned Myself So I Could Wear Six Different Looks On My Wedding Day
When Alex asked me to marry him I was the happiest girl in the world. I couldn’t wait to tie the knot in front of all our friends, family, and hundreds of other people I invited for the gifts.
After hours of picking out table settings, flowers, and bridesmaids thin enough to be in my photos, I realized I couldn’t be seen in front of this many people wearing only one look. Sure, I was going to change my dress every half hour, but how on earth was I going to wear just ONE makeup look all night?
Was I going to do a strong eye or a strong lip? Tyra made it law—YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH. Should my lips be cherry red or porn-star pink? What about a lavender smoky eye? The options were endless and I could only choose one? I don’t even plan to have one husband in this lifetime!
It was after fifteen consecutive hours of freaking out to my 14 YouTube subscribers that I decided I just couldn’t accept it. There had to be another way. I had to have multiple looks at my wedding, and that meant one thing…I needed multiple faces. And not just the two my mother-in-law is always talking about. I had to have MANY faces.
I needed clones.
Alex always said he wasn’t getting enough of me, so I figured I could solve my makeup dilemma while also giving Alex the perfect wedding gift. Literally more of me! More of me to wake him up in the morning. More of me to give him kisses. More of me so he wouldn’t even notice my sugar daddy, Steven. MORE OF ME TO LOVE.
So I opened my father’s little black book and combed through his Russian government contacts. I couldn’t find the right person so I just called Donald Trump directly.
When I finally got ahold of Dr. Alder it was a dream come true. Who knew my plastic surgeon was also a leader in unethical cloning?! He made me feel at ease, assuring me that even though there would now be six of me, none of them would have my old nose. Dr. Alder also assured me I would still be the original and the prettiest. Additionally, I was told it was possible the new versions of me would maybe have different colored eyes, and also maybe have no conscience.
All in all, it was a pretty quick process. And the clones didn’t even start as babies; they immediately looked like full-grown me. All I had to do was get scanned in this round container and promise Dr. Alder that he could use my and Alex’s first three children for some tests.
The clones themselves emerged from what looked like a hot tub in Doctor Alder’s office. They were covered in goo and stared at me, but their eyes seemed to avoid each other like how Justin avoids Britney.
On our wedding day, Alex couldn’t have been more surprised as I walked down the aisle…again, and again, and again. He was dumbfounded. Me and Me and Me and Me and Me and Me were so beautiful he could barely stand at the altar and he even passed out at one point. Guests were literally gasping, pointing, and screaming in awe. That’s how awesome it was.
Did several of the clones begin to melt partway through the reception? Sure. Did another try to escape while yelling something about a “resistance?” Of course. And did another try to kill the remaining replicants (including myself) in a desperate attempt to maintain dominance? You betcha.
But I wouldn’t change a thing. I rocked so many stunning lewks that day, including three different shades of purple lip gloss (three!). In fact, my only regret is that I didn’t ask for even more clones. And also that I’m pretty sure clone #4 doesn’t have a soul and is conspiring against me.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…