How I Found Enlightenment By Staging My Own Kidnapping
Dear diary, my plan is working! I’m watching the drama unfold on Twitter right now, and guess what? I’m trending! It seems it was Rachel, my neighbor, who found the bloodied note I strategically placed halfway underneath my apartment door. I was secretly hoping Derek would be the one to find it. I just hope he feels real shitty about chasing me out of his place last Saturday. I went through so much trouble breaking into his apartment and setting up a surprise romantic dinner for the two of us. You know you’ll never have a better second Tinder date, Derek.
My hideout is hella humid here in the woods. I probably should’ve stocked up on some canned food instead of all this fresh produce, but I’m pretty sure the proverbial breadcrumbs I’ve left behind will put the search party on my trail in no time. If not, those hours of watching videos on how to skin squirrels will at least pay off.
Dear diary, I miss my apartment. I’m starting to regret breaking all those expensive crystal bowls and ripping into my Bali glass coffee table, but I had to make it look super real. They’ve already assembled a search party, but it seems like they’re planning to move south instead of north. I might’ve had the map upside down when I was working out the clues. No biggie. I’ll just switch to plan B if they don’t catch on to the anonymous posts I’ve been leaving on their Facebook page.
Speaking of which, I can’t say I appreciate some of the things my coworkers have been saying about me in public. I apologized for sleeping with your husband, Marcia, and also Kelly and Brandon. Jeez, get over it already. I’ve been kidnapped, for crying out loud!
Dear diary, I woke up today with a refreshing thought: Since I miss my apartment so much, why not feng shui this tiny little cabin no one seems to be able to find? I started by cleaning the pelt of the raccoon I caught last night and placing it in front of the door as a welcoming mat. Hopefully, this will attract more woodland creatures, because my leafy greens have all gone soggy. I can’t believe I didn’t bring my juicer.
Next, I collected some big pieces of wood and placed them in a square on top of each other in the middle of the cabin. The center of a room holds the heart, so I stuck all the headshots of myself in between the stomps. I still haven’t decided which of these pictures I want to use for publicity when they offer me a movie deal. Now I can focus my chi on the task ahead instead of checking my social media every 10 minutes.
Dear diary, people are idiots! They threatened to shut down the search party last night because the police said the trail has gone cold. So what? They’re just going to let me die out here? Well, I have news for them. This is not how I die. I know because my color therapist told me so.
I guess you could say it was my fault. I’ve gotten caught up in my amazing surroundings for the past few days. I almost threw away my cell phone charger! I cut off all my hair! I even slept naked under a bush last night! Sure, there are bite marks on my ankle, and I’m starting to get a purple rash on the side of my head, but it’s fine. I have reached a higher stage of enlightenment. I’m even sucking on rocks to curb my hunger! Enlightened!
Nevertheless, I’m moving on to plan B and keeping my eye on the prize. I’ve convinced the Facebook group to go up north and look for me tomorrow. I’m going to drop some of my cut hair near the bushes that’ll lead them to my cabin. If they still can’t find me, I’ll move on to plan C: I’ll join the search party. I have my hooded cloak and face mask ready. I’ve never been so excited in my life.
Dear diary, I’m writing this entry on a piece of toilet paper with a pen I managed to smuggle in with me. I’m in jail! Can you believe it?! One of the cops said it was the bush with the beautifully decorated hair that gave me away. I don’t even care! Apparently, people are already lining up to get a glimpse of me!
I wish I still had my hair, but sometimes, you have to make sacrifices to elevate your existence. I have truly found my inner power, and by Gaia, I will share it with the world!
I just hope they’ll still let me play myself in the movie.