The Beginner’s Guide to Eggs

Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better to have an experienced guide to help on your journey.

This week we’ll be taking you through:

The Beginner’s Guide to Eggs

There’s no wonder greater than that of the incredible (edible) egg. It’s so versatile, a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think “eggs, yeah, I’d be down with that.” When I first started to write this article, I was going to pick one type of egg to focus on. But then I realized that would be a disservice to all of you kind readers. So without further ado, I offer you my beginner’s guide to many of the types of eggs I hold near and dear to my heart (and frying pan).

How to Hard-Boil an Egg

Eggs are known for their gooey yolk, but by hard-boiling them, you whip up a tasty snack to throw in your purse and eat on-the-go. Get yourself a saucepan and some eggs. Place eggs in the bottom of the pan and then pour cold water over them. Heat the water and eggs until the water boils. Once boiling, remove from the burner, cover the pan with a lid, and let sit for about 12 minutes. Then, drain those bad boys and you’re done. Oh, well, peel them first. We have not yet evolved as a species to be able to eat the shell of the egg. And a quick warning: avoid eating on public transport. People get angry because they smell the eggs and are jealous that you have eggs to eat and they do not.

Easter Eggs

What would Easter be without the eggs? In Christianity the egg symbolizes the empty tomb of Jesus, so it’s fitting to show your love and decorate the heck out of it! Paint it, dye it, just make sure to hard-boil it first! Or, if you’re lazy like me, buy the chocolate kind.

Easter Eggs (The Other Kind)

These eggs can be a bit confusing because they’re literally not eggs! They’re fun hidden jokes or insights within film and television for those dedicated of viewers. For example, in The Simpsons, all the characters have four fingers but if you look closely at God in the show, you’ll see he has five! Again, don’t look for pictures of actual Easter eggs…

Jade Eggs

Now, I love me some eggs, but this takes it too far. They’re not your average white + yolk = shell-kind. They’re made from the crystal jade and are meant to be shoved right up a lady’s vagina, or as those who follow the practice refer to it as, a woman’s “yoni.” I don’t care what the supposed benefits of this are (namely taking away negative energy and cleansing you for a spiritiful detox), the only eggs I have in me, are the ones my mother repeatedly reminds me are dying at a rapid rate as I grow older.

Egg Babies

I’ll carry a hard-boiled egg with me anytime for the hell of it, but in many high schools, they use them as a way to teach kids about parenthood. By carrying around the egg all week, and not dropping it and/or losing it, the kids are shown just how much work it is to be a parent. Nevermind that eggs don’t shit, cry, or vomit every other minute… get ready to be disappointed kids. Just because you nailed it as an egg-parent doesn’t mean you will as a real one.

How to Hatch an Egg

You didn’t think I could talk about eggs without giving credit where credit’s due. Let’s hear it for the chicken! If you plan to steal some of those eggs from the chicken and hatch them at home, here’s how ya do it. Buy an incubator. (So really, the first step is to google “what is an incubator?”)  Set the incubator to the right temperature, check humidity, turn the eggs every 12 hours… to be honest, I’ve never done this so I’d recommend signing up for FarmersOnly.com and then dating a farmer for the sole purpose of utilizing his knowledge of hatching eggs.

Scrambled Eggs

These are the easiest of eggs to make if you’re a screw-up in the kitchen. Crack the eggs in a separate bowl, whisk the eggs, and then pour them into a greased-pan. Stand over pan and mush them around with a spatula until they all look yellow and un-boogerized in texture. That’s it! You made breakfast or dinner if your bank account is empty.

How to use an Egg to Egg-Something

Eggs are the ultimate revenge when you want something a little more than the silent treatment and a little less than murder. Use your standard carton of grocery-store eggs to leave your mark. Toss eggs at any item you aim to damage: a car, a house, or an enemy’s face!

I hope you enjoyed this Beginner’s Guide to Eggs. I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m asked, “what came first, the chicken or the egg?”

I always reply, “It’s the egg that came first in MY BOOK!”

IMAGES: NBC Television, JadeEggs , zhouxuan12345678, Lynn