My Charming, Brilliant Leash Kid Should Be Able to Shit in Your Dog Park
It’s recently come to my attention that my leash kid son is no longer allowed to defecate openly within the confines of our local dog park, and I, for one, am outraged. The dog park is a perfect halfway point between my son’s favorite regular park and home, and he usually needs to go right around when we walk by the dog park. My thought was that, hey, he’s on a leash. The dogs are on leashes. I don’t see the problem? Why are dogs “above” all people in this regard? Tyler is obedient, social, and an old soul, and even if he is a human child, he should be able to shit in this dog park.
I’d like to refute the false accusations that my leash kid son and I allegedly broke the following rules at the Lake Hollywood Dog Park on Saturday, April 17, at 11:35 A.M.
Rule Violation: Remove your dog’s leash before entering the park.
A man entered the park with his human son, who was kept on a leash the whole time. I know this shouldn’t be the reason that the child isn’t allowed to do what he did, but hopefully, this helps. This is a “no leash” park.
Listen, my son isn’t going to run around leash-less like some kind of animal. He is going to stay on his leash, and he is going to stay safe.
Rule Violation: If your dog wears a metal collar, remove it before letting them into the park.
A man entered the park with his human son, and his human son was wearing a metal collar. Again, this is not my primary concern about all this, but hopefully, this keeps that poor child out of the dog park.
My leash kid son’s metal collar, which is separate from his harness, shouldn’t interfere with anything that has to do with dogs. Mind your own beeswax!
Rule Violation: Keep an eye on your dog at all times.
A man entered the park with his human son, and his human son defecated right on the fence at the entrance of the park. The child proceeded to draw on select trees using his hands and excrement while screaming for help, and his father was seen taking a nap in his car.
My son is a creative genius, and sometimes, he likes to make art. I will never stand in his way, and I will always support him, even if I am not conscious at the time.
Rule Violation: No throwing treats.
A man entered the park with his human son, who refused to defecate near the flowing creek on the property, where his father had instructed him to do so. This has to be unsanitary for the child? To get his son to defecate near the creek, the man threw loose deli meats onto the nearby shore. Nearly every dog in the park flooded the scene. There is a “no treats” rule, which, again, isn’t the problem here. This isn’t how you feed a child. Additionally, we have a human bathroom on the premises. This absolutely needs to stop.
Don’t pretend like everyone doesn’t sneak their dog treats. If the dogs in your dog park can’t control themselves, then maybe they and their owners are the ones who are to blame.
Not that I have to defend myself, but these oppressive rules can’t be fun for the dogs either. I say we rise up against all these dog parks and create a safe space where pets and children can play together in harmony while controlled by their respective owners.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…