I Support Wildlife Preservation So I Can Eat The Last Of Every Animal

April 25, 2019 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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Like many of us, I care a lot about this planet and the harmony of its denizens. It’s truly shocking how quickly species are disappearing forever from our beloved Mother Earth. I believe it is in all of our best interests to devote ourselves to the cause of wildlife preservation. We must stave off the hand of death from these fragile ecosystems and the irreplaceable creatures struggling to get by within them, at least until I get a chance to eat a few of them.

Some Nights, I Cry For The Dodo Bird

wildlife

As I pore over the extinct and endangered species lists, I often feel pangs of regret. There are so many beautiful creatures I never even got a chance to eat. Apparently, the playful penguin-like great auk was downright delicious, as was the gentle sea cow. All that is left is fond memories recorded by sailors centuries ago of veal-like fatty meat that preserved well. Sea cows could reach 26 feet long, almost entirely meat. Those meals must have been truly legendary.

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Hunters in the late 19th century bagged thousands of passenger pigeons a day, a truly ghastly record of environmental destruction. Why so greedy? They could have saved some for the rest of us. Even if the dodo bird wasn’t considered good meat, those jerks could have let us try it. Palates and cooking techniques have changed a lot in the last few centuries. Surely, something could have been done to allow dodo meat to achieve its true culinary potential, but alas.

Save The Tasty, Tasty Animals

environment

You may question my motives. I believe that is fair, but my passion for the environment is sincere. I donate to multiple wildlife preservation efforts, show up at marches and rallies, network with other “Save The Animals” types, and scream about it at the president on Twitter. I’m getting things done. Respectable things.

In return, I’m not asking for much. All I ask is to be left alone as I scan environmental newsletters to see what species are on the global chopping block, and if I just happen to find out where that species is being housed, what is the harm? If I acquire a staff list and call around to see which employee is willing to take a sizable bribe to “misplace” a puffin or red panda, I’m just stimulating the economy. No harm, no foul.

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Of course, I’m going to savor delectable creatures like sea turtles, but I also want the weird ones. I’ll eat a gorilla that learned sign language. I’ll make smokehouse barbecue out of a Tasmanian devil. I’m even going to eat a monarch butterfly just because I can. Saw me off a chunk of the barrier reef and serve it with clownfish.

Just let me have this, okay? I’ll donate whatever you want to whichever organization you choose. Anything to make me feel okay about frying Nemo.

Images: Mathias Appel, Allie Caulfield, Johan Fantenberg


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