Support Nature By Yelling ‘Yaaas Queen’ At Pandas That Won’t Mate
With all of the environmental issues the world has been having lately, it’s so important to support wildlife, which is why Bunny Ears recommends visiting your local zoo at least once a week to yell at the pandas. Pandas need more encouragement than almost any other endangered species because male pandas suck.
Getting pandas to breed in captivity is super difficult, and female pandas aren’t getting the support they need to just do their own thang. With the zookeepers, it’s always “Make a baby, make a baby.” Okay, Mom. Have they ever asked the panda what she wants? Maybe she wants to take a correspondence class, see the world, or at least see the elephant exhibit next door. Women have options now!
Please, for the panda’s sake, lean over the fence at your local zoo and yell “Everyone look at this majestic queen. Yas queen! You don’t need no man. You’re a thick, fuzzy queen. What has that man ever done for you? Does he bring you bamboo? NO! He doesn’t bring you shit, he doesn’t listen to you, all he does all day is nap and maybe fall out of a tire swing real cute. Then you’re supposed to make a baby with him? I don’t think so, honey. You’ve got you, and that is all you need, you big, beautiful queen.”
Female pandas need to hear this message of positivity and self-love at least once a day from humans, because you know who they’re not hearing it from? Male pandas.
Did you know that sometimes female pandas fake being pregnant to get additional perks like extra food from their zoo? And do you know what I say to that? I go to my local zoo, I make eye contact with that panda, and I say “YAS QUEEN! You do you! Get that paper—or in this case, sticks. Pandas are just bears that eats sticks, and if this gorgeous queen wants to eat more sticks, she is going to make that happen for herself. Pandas spend up to 14 hours per day eating as much as 27 lbs. of bamboo. If this cuddly queen wants 28 lbs. of bamboo and she’s making it happen for herself, why do we judge her for that? We should be supporting her ambition. Yas queen.”
People will try to tell you that pandas need us to, like, stop destroying their environment more than they need encouragement, but what they really need is self-esteem and our support. Panda mating lasts between 30 seconds and five minutes, and once a baby panda is born, the males typically have no involvement in raising the cubs. Now do you wonder why female pandas don’t want to mate?
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. You can raise your voice to help pandas everywhere! Even if the people who own the zoo keep telling you to please stop doing that. Even if you’ve been banned from every panda-having zoo in this beautiful country. You can still do the right thing. Go to the store, buy a megaphone, stand outside the zoo, and support your roly poly queens. Pandas have ultrasonic hearing, so they can hear your encouragement even from very far away, and more importantly, they can feel it. They can feel everything because they are sensitive, majestic queens. Yas queens!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…