I Murdered A Golem And Made A Soothing Clay Mask!
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I Murdered a Golem And Made A Soothing Clay Mask!

clay mask

Kabbalah may not be as trendy now as it was in the early 2000s, but when I heard about a murderous golem tearing shit up around town that originated from some chick’s clay face mask, I decided it would be worth looking into. I headed down to my local Kabbalah center to pick up some reading materials. $30 later, I was equipped with the golem hunter’s most indispensable tools: a red bracelet and a bottle of magic water.

For the mystically uninitiated, a golem is a clay automaton created by Jewish magic that does the bidding of its maker. And by applying a little logical reasoning, I came to the following conclusion: A monster that can be created from a clay mask can be returned to a clay mask. This was good news, because my skin’s been feeling oily.

But how, exactly, does one kill a ritually-animated murderer made of clay? My local temple didn’t have any helpful pamphlets, and I never heard back from any of the yeshivas I contacted. I thought it was pretty unfair for them to discriminate against me just because I’m “not Jewish” and was “speaking nonsense.” However, I refused to be deterred and  went to the source of all  true magic: A poorly written blog.

Apparently, killing a golem requires destroying or altering a magic scroll hidden inside its head. This sounded like a real challenge. After all, if I knew how to get inside a man’s head (clay or otherwise), I might have better things to do with my time than golem hunting. Nevertheless, I developed a plan.

First, I would need to pin down the golem’s exact location. I started by building a GIS database of horrific and mysterious murders and cross-listing it with a database of bitches with suspiciously clear skin (girl, I saw you eating pizza).

Soon, I had narrowed down the golem’s location, and it was just a matter of staking out the neighborhood. Pretty soon I saw a large man made of clay shambling around. BINGO. Now it was time to put my plan into action: To defeat a golem made from a fancy clay mask, I would cash in my Sephora points and use the best available skincare products to lure it into a series of exquisite traps. What golem could resist a luxurious serum? I don’t know exactly what a serum is, but I assume something literally made of skincare products does.

Pretty soon, I was wrestling the golem in a pit full of hyaluronic acid. Just like the blog foretold!

After only minutes, I had punched through that golem’s emotionless face (thanks, Krav Maga!), ripped the scroll from its forehead, and used a Korean black sugar scrub to smear out the magical incantation on the scroll. Then I turned the golem’s body into a clay mask, and voila! I’ve rid the community of a horrible murderer, and my skin has never looked better. Now my complexion is as clear as my conscience.

The whole experience left me wondering: Are their other supernatural entities I could turn into beauty products? Werewolves seem like they know what’s up with dry shampoo. Has anyone tried putting CBD in ectoplasm?

I’ve also been keeping a close eye on my apricot exfoliating scrub, just in case it gets any ideas.

Images: Pexels, Pexels, Pixabay

Ella Gale
Ella Gale

Author - Engineer - Hilarious

Ella is a comedian and writer in Los Angeles, CA. She thinks the best comedy is like an open house in another person’s brain, and she would like to invite you into hers. Described by the Austin Chronicle as “exceedingly clever,” her jokes run the gamut from honest to absurd. She is a former engineer and unpaid intern who has performed at the Moontower and Limestone comedy festivals and whose work has appeared at the New York Television Festival.

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