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…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…

I Murdered a Golem And Made A Soothing Clay Mask!

clay mask

Kabbalah may not be as trendy now as it was in the early 2000s, but when I heard about a murderous golem tearing shit up around town that originated from some chick’s clay face mask, I decided it would be worth looking into. I headed down to my local Kabbalah center to pick up some reading materials. $30 later, I was equipped with the golem hunter’s most indispensable tools: a red bracelet and a bottle of magic water.

For the mystically uninitiated, a golem is a clay automaton created by Jewish magic that does the bidding of its maker. And by applying a little logical reasoning, I came to the following conclusion: A monster that can be created from a clay mask can be returned to a clay mask. This was good news, because my skin’s been feeling oily.

But how, exactly, does one kill a ritually-animated murderer made of clay? My local temple didn’t have any helpful pamphlets, and I never heard back from any of the yeshivas I contacted. I thought it was pretty unfair for them to discriminate against me just because I’m “not Jewish” and was “speaking nonsense.” However, I refused to be deterred and  went to the source of all  true magic: A poorly written blog.

Apparently, killing a golem requires destroying or altering a magic scroll hidden inside its head. This sounded like a real challenge. After all, if I knew how to get inside a man’s head (clay or otherwise), I might have better things to do with my time than golem hunting. Nevertheless, I developed a plan.

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First, I would need to pin down the golem’s exact location. I started by building a GIS database of horrific and mysterious murders and cross-listing it with a database of bitches with suspiciously clear skin (girl, I saw you eating pizza).

Soon, I had narrowed down the golem’s location, and it was just a matter of staking out the neighborhood. Pretty soon I saw a large man made of clay shambling around. BINGO. Now it was time to put my plan into action: To defeat a golem made from a fancy clay mask, I would cash in my Sephora points and use the best available skincare products to lure it into a series of exquisite traps. What golem could resist a luxurious serum? I don’t know exactly what a serum is, but I assume something literally made of skincare products does.

Pretty soon, I was wrestling the golem in a pit full of hyaluronic acid. Just like the blog foretold!

After only minutes, I had punched through that golem’s emotionless face (thanks, Krav Maga!), ripped the scroll from its forehead, and used a Korean black sugar scrub to smear out the magical incantation on the scroll. Then I turned the golem’s body into a clay mask, and voila! I’ve rid the community of a horrible murderer, and my skin has never looked better. Now my complexion is as clear as my conscience.

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The whole experience left me wondering: Are their other supernatural entities I could turn into beauty products? Werewolves seem like they know what’s up with dry shampoo. Has anyone tried putting CBD in ectoplasm?

I’ve also been keeping a close eye on my apricot exfoliating scrub, just in case it gets any ideas.

Images: Pexels, Pexels, Pixabay

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