Kabbalah may not be as trendy now as it was in the early 2000s, but when I heard about a murderous golem tearing shit up around town that originated from some chick’s clay face mask, I decided it would be worth looking into. I headed down to my local Kabbalah center to pick up some reading materials. $30 later, I was equipped with the golem hunter’s most indispensable tools: a red bracelet and a bottle of magic water.
For the mystically uninitiated, a golem is a clay automaton created by Jewish magic that does the bidding of its maker. And by applying a little logical reasoning, I came to the following conclusion: A monster that can be created from a clay mask can be returned to a clay mask. This was good news, because my skin’s been feeling oily.
But how, exactly, does one kill a ritually-animated murderer made of clay? My local temple didn’t have any helpful pamphlets, and I never heard back from any of the yeshivas I contacted. I thought it was pretty unfair for them to discriminate against me just because I’m “not Jewish” and was “speaking nonsense.” However, I refused to be deterred and went to the source of all true magic: A poorly written blog.
Apparently, killing a golem requires destroying or altering a magic scroll hidden inside its head. This sounded like a real challenge. After all, if I knew how to get inside a man’s head (clay or otherwise), I might have better things to do with my time than golem hunting. Nevertheless, I developed a plan.
First, I would need to pin down the golem’s exact location. I started by building a GIS database of horrific and mysterious murders and cross-listing it with a database of bitches with suspiciously clear skin (girl, I saw you eating pizza).
Soon, I had narrowed down the golem’s location, and it was just a matter of staking out the neighborhood. Pretty soon I saw a large man made of clay shambling around. BINGO. Now it was time to put my plan into action: To defeat a golem made from a fancy clay mask, I would cash in my Sephora points and use the best available skincare products to lure it into a series of exquisite traps. What golem could resist a luxurious serum? I don’t know exactly what a serum is, but I assume something literally made of skincare products does.
Pretty soon, I was wrestling the golem in a pit full of hyaluronic acid. Just like the blog foretold!
After only minutes, I had punched through that golem’s emotionless face (thanks, Krav Maga!), ripped the scroll from its forehead, and used a Korean black sugar scrub to smear out the magical incantation on the scroll. Then I turned the golem’s body into a clay mask, and voila! I’ve rid the community of a horrible murderer, and my skin has never looked better. Now my complexion is as clear as my conscience.
The whole experience left me wondering: Are their other supernatural entities I could turn into beauty products? Werewolves seem like they know what’s up with dry shampoo. Has anyone tried putting CBD in ectoplasm?
I’ve also been keeping a close eye on my apricot exfoliating scrub, just in case it gets any ideas.