5 Face Masks To Cleanse The Sins of Your Past Lives

Skincare is all the rage and has been for centuries. Most of us apply a myriad of products to our face on a daily basis to maintain a soft, youthful glow. However, if you’ve found yourself stuck with skin that doesn’t want to change no matter what serum, cream, or emulsion you try, it’s possible you’re harboring skin damage from a previous life. We’ve compiled recipes for five face masks that will cleanse your skin, and your sins. Here are the most common past life sins that can affect your face, and how to rid your flesh of them forever!

1. Oedtmeal Mask- For Oedipal mistakes

Ingredients:

– 1/2 cup oatmeal

– 1 cup Ancient Greek Yogurt

– 1 spritz of Red Door by Elizabeth Arden

Mix ingredients and then apply to face and let sit on for 69 minutes. Nice. The oatmeal absorbs oils and tightens pores, while the Ancient Greek yogurt moisturizes thanks to the unique proteins found only in Greek cows. Just after it starts to burn, but just before it gets stuck there forever, remove the mask with warm water. Massage your face in circles as you wash for an exfoliating effect. Pat dry, and enjoy your new face- smooth as a baby’s bottom. Just the way momma likes.

2. The Clearupatra- For committing suicide by letting a snake bite your boob while you’re supposed to be running Egypt

Ingredients:

– Dead Sea Salt

– Live Sea Salt

– 5 Slugs

Stress can do major damage to your skin, and when you’ve been carrying the stress of running all of Egypt for over 2,000 years, it’s gonna start to show. Take a bite out of dull skin with a mask fit for reborn royalty. In a bowl, combine the live and dead sea salt. If you find that your live sea salt is a little rambunctious just turn on some Enya and tell it to chill. Apply the salt to your face. Place one slug on your forehead, on your nose, on each cheek, and on your chin. Within a few minutes you’ll start to feel a foaming sensation. Ignore the tiny screams of the slugs, as their slimy demise sucks all the toxins out from the top three layers of your skin. When the foaming stops, it’s time to rinse, dry, and hold five tiny slug funerals.

3. The Pinesalve- For installing carpet over original hardwood floors

Ingredients:

– 1/4 cup fresh pine needles

– 2 tsp muddled juniper berries

– 1 can Natty Lite (chilled)

There are few sins as abhorrent as covering beautiful wood floors with hideous carpet. Repent and refresh with the Pinesalve. In a bucket, empty the entire contents of the largest Natty Lite you can find at your local gas station. Slowly stir in the pine needles and juniper berries. Apply mask to face with a mop- the older the better. Like staples from mahogany, this mask pulls out the stains of your past. After 15 minutes, remove mask with your mop and clean water to reveal polished skin that you’ll never have to vacuum!

4. The Belle Jean- For stealing a loaf of bread to feed your starving family

Ingredients:

– Fresh lavender

– Gunpowder

– Coconut oil

– Raspberry jam

Carbs, right? At best they ruin waistlines, at worst they send you to prison in old timey France. With all that grime and grit you’re probably pretty acne prone. The Belle Jean puts life back into your skin after it’s been sucked out by centuries of spiritual hard labor. Warm the coconut oil in a small bowl and slowly mix in the gunpowder. Try not to breathe in the powder, as it can cause you to sneeze (and explode if you’re near an open flame). Scoop in some raspberry jam and sprinkle in the lavender. Apply the mask to your face and let sit for 24601 minutes. Peel the mask off slowly then rinse your face with warm water.

5. The Gesundheit- For Failing To Cover Your Cough During The 1918 Flu Pandemic

Ingredients:

– 4 cloves garlic (minced)

– 1 cup raw honey

– 2 tablespoons cayenne pepper

– 8 Aspirin (crushed)

Lack of access to hand sanitizer and a rudimentary knowledge of germ science is never an excuse to hack sputum on innocents. This mask is chocked full of natural antibiotics, and you’re going to them (although the flu is a virus, once it is reincarnated it presents as bacteria). Mix the ingredients in a bowl, and apply the paste to face. Do not rinse. The cayenne works to get the blood flowing to the surface of your face, while the pungent garlic odor serves as a reminder of how great hospitals smelled that year. Sweat the mask off slowly over the course of 24-48 hours to reveal clear skin no longer plagued by a plague.