Interior Decorating Tips For The Cripplingly Depressed
Our powerful demographics analyzer and data-mining algorithm has brought you to this page for a reason. You are cripplingly depressed most or all of the time. Don’t worry, because our team of feng shui and interior design experts are here to make you whole. With these seven simple tips, your house/apartment/dingy basement where you like to hang out because it’s all you feel you deserve will transform from a place of despair … into “Chateau Debonaire!” (Total Estimated Cost: $45,000)
1. Add a Splash of Lavender to Your Bookshelves
You can apply it with a cloth doily, which can be easily purchased in bulk from the estate sales of dead spinsters. Investigate their belongings, project yourself into their place, all alone in the world until their final days, and you’ll have no problem low-balling the auctioneer. Plus, you’ll always have a reminder of death tucked beneath your copy of Chicken Soup for the Empty Soul.
2. Leave All Your Taps Running
Noisy neighbors? Leave the taps running in every room of the house and imagine yourself next to a rushing Icelandic stream. After all, water is still readily available for the next three to four months, we may as well enjoy it!
3. Utilize Mirrors in an “Extreme” Way
Feng shui tells us that a mirror facing the bed can amplify bad dreams or negative thoughts. To combat this, sleep in a suit of mirrors, so that the negative energies are forever trapped in an evil void that hovers above your nightstand. NOTE: Do not touch whirling, evil void. Leave void alone.
4. Get Really into Pastels
Schizophrenia? More like pastelmania! Studies by top hippies have shown that decking your walls in pastel colors, coupled with some orange-lavender potpourri around the house, can delay mandatory institutionalization for as long as seven years (and gives you a pleasant conversation topic should the voices return).
5. Do NOT Use Dreamcatchers
For millennia, First Nation peoples have used dreamcatchers to ward off evil spirits and attract benevolent ones. DO NOT attempt to combat the whirling evil void above your nightstand with a dreamcatcher. One of our interns tried it and turned inside out. (He’s fine. Relatively.)
6. Commit to “Mosquito Netting Chic’
Drape your bed in mosquito netting for that “there are a lot of mosquitoes very nearby” feel, which will put your petty issues in perspective and make you feel like you’re sleeping in a fort. This is especially useful for those with Phantom Itch, Hallucinatory Welts, and the Slaps.
7. Nail a Board to Your Door
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, nail a sign to the front of your house that says “Chateau Debonaire!” This shit isn’t rocket science, people.
There you go! A few simple decorating tips for the cripplingly depressed. We’d tell you to “enjoy” or “have fun” or something, but we all know that’s not gonna happen.