Interior Decorating For The Cripplingly Depressed

March 25, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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Our powerful demographics analyzer and data-mining algorithm has brought you to this page for a reason. You are cripplingly depressed most or all of the time. Don’t worry, because our team of fengu shui and interior design experts are here to make you whole. A few simple changes to your home environment, and that mental disorder and/or horrific trauma will be a foggy memory! Trust us; save your psychiatry money for wallpaper and aromatherapy sconces. With these eight simple tips, your house, apartment, rented storage unit, breakfast nook, or dingy basement where you like to hang out because it’s all you feel you deserve will transform from a place of despair…into “Maison Debonaire!” (Total Estimated Cost: $45,000)

  • Add a splash of lavender to a bookshelf with a cloth doily, which can be easily purchased in bulk from the estate sales of dead spinsters. Investigate their belongings, project yourself into their place, all alone in the world until their final days, and you’ll have no problem low-balling the auctioneer. Plus, you’ll always have a reminder of death tucked beneath your copy of Chicken Soup for the Empty Soul.
  • Noisy neighbors? Leave the taps running in every room of the house and imagine yourself next to a rushing Icelandic stream. After all, water is still readily available for the next three to four months, we may as well enjoy it!
  • Feng Shui tells us that a mirror facing the bed can amplify bad dreams or negative thoughts. To combat this, sleep in a suit of mirrors, so that the negative energies are forever trapped in an evil void that hovers above your nightstand. NOTE: do not touch whirling, evil void. Leave void alone.
  • Schizophrenia? Pastelmania! Studies by top hippies have shown that decking your walls in pastel colors, coupled with some orange-lavender potpurri around the house, can delay mandatory institutionalization for as long as seven years, and gives you a pleasant conversation topic should the voices return.
  • Most bookcases can be re-purposed into a lovely stand for a variety of potted plants. This will provide oxygen to your environment, cheerful greenery to your world, a chance for simple nurturing to your daily routine, and finally prove to yourself that you’ll probably never read another whole book again, so you can give up and live the life of a simpleton without hang-ups.
  • For millennia, Native Peoples have used dreamcatchers to ward off evil spirits and attract beneficent ones. DO NOT attempt to combat the whirling evil void above your nightstand with a dreamcatcher. One of our interns tried it and turned inside out. (He’s fine.)
  • Drape your bed in mosquito netting for that “there are a lot of mosquitoes very nearby” feel, which will put your petty issues in perspective and make you feel like you’re sleeping in a fort. This is especially useful for those with Phantom Itch, Hallucinatory Welts, and the Slaps.
  • Finally, and perhaps most importantly, nail a sign to the front of your house that says “Maison Debonaire.” This shit isn’t rocket science, people.

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  1. I was doing really well up until the sixth tip. See, the first five improved my life so much that I got a little overexcited. I just read through until “dream-catchers” and thought, “Yeah, man, dream-catchers!” I slapped up shit-loads of those little suckers all over the house (or at least so the me-mirrors and the wall-mirrors tell me), and I think I might have accidentally bumped the whirling, evil void with one of them.

    Now I’m trapped in this weird place that sort of looks like my bathroom, except that in the mirror, there are thousands of eyes peering out from behind eyes. This doesn’t exactly help my crippling (apparently manic, too) depression that much.

    Fantastic article, but perhaps start with a caveat along the lines of “Read all instructions thoroughly before implementing”? Also, what’s a good way to get blood off of touch-screens and tiles?

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