Love Yourself So Much It’s Inappropriate In Public
Love yourself like you recently met yourself, have been dating successfully for a month and have been banging yourself nonstop.
Nature Walks: The Perfect Alibi For Casing A Joint
Nothing says alibi like, “Look — it’s two different species of fern!”
How I Found Enlightenment By Staging My Own Kidnapping
I hope they let me play myself in the movie version of this story.
Simple Tricks To Make Their Funeral All About You
When someone you care about dies, it’s vital to keep the focus on what really matters: YOU!
How Many Lemons Is Too Many Lemons When It Comes To Stuffing Your Butt Hole?
We know you’re probably sick of reading lemon-stuffing articles. Almost every lifestyle blog has been pumping these out like, well, butt lemons. But we promise this definitive guide to lemon stuffing will be the last article you ever have to read about stuffing lemons up your butt! Bunny Ears has your back (which will soon […]
Enjoy This Text-Only, Audio-Free ASMR Experience by Daniel O’Brien
Hello, my name is Daniel O’Brien. I am an author, comedian, and aspiring boat captain, and I work with Bunny Ears to make your life better. ASMR, or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, refers to the tingly, relaxing sensation some people get from specific audio cues, like soft whispering or tapping. There are currently thousands […]
Spa Treatments Perfect For After Long Days Of Sexual Harassment
Scrub off dead skin cells AND all those disgusting comments you heard today.
I No Longer Believe In Cage-Free Zoos Now That My Family Is Dead
The hyena ambush really sealed the deal.
What’s All This Then: Bunny Ears Determines That Free Will Is A Lie
Bunny Ears knows that your quest for spiritual wellness takes many forms. During the day you may just need to know how much flaxseed to add to your oatmeal to get you through that staff meeting. But at night you’re haunted by bigger questions: Why are we here? Where are we going? Or, as we […]
10 Futhark Runes That Will Totally Make You Cum
For your next romantic evening in, why not try one (or all!) of the following runes, hand-selected by Church elders, to get those juices flowing?
We Talked To Some Unsuccessful, But Very Spiritual People About Their Work Habits
Do you find it hard to stay motivated in both your professional life and your spiritual one? Don’t despair! We asked some of the most spiritual people we could find to tell us how they find that all-important balance, and we think you’ll find their answers… enlightening. Krystal, 27 (Yoga Instructor) “Yoga is obviously extremely […]
What’s All This, Then? Objectively, Nothing Matters, So … Fuck It?
Seriously. Do whatever the fuck you want.
Chaxing: The Hot New Teen Trend Where You Give My Church One Half Of Your Salary
Parents hate it! Old people fear it! The government technically allows it under the Religious Liberty and Charitable Donation Protection Act of 1998! It seems that teens these days are scrambling to try out the hot new trend of church-taxing, or “chaxing.” It’s a lit craze that involves a 8323 tax form, one signed and […]
Free-bleeding: It’s Not Just For Periods Anymore
Free-bleeding during your period is, of course, one of the most intense and respectful ways to embody our connection with Gaia. When we allow our menstrual blood to saturate our Lululemons without processed, cancer-causing tampons or pads in the way, we acknowledge ourselves as women, as complete beings, and of course, as superior to Margot […]
What Is This Bird Box Service And Can I Order ‘Just The Beaks’?
Honestly, what is bird box and why are all of my friends talking about it?
My New Year’s Resolution Is To Shove My Son Back Up In There
I gave birth to him, and I can un-give it.
Help! My Spirit Animal Is A Shark And Keeps Biting Me In The Pool
I have a serious medical/spiritual condition that people desperately need to made more aware of. Kids today are going crazy for spirit animals but they are not aware how harmful and dangerous they can be. Everyone thinks finding out your spirit animal will be fun and enlightening, but in reality, it could end with you […]
My Morning Routine: I Lick Everything In The House So It Stays Mine
When you grow up in a house with seven brothers, you learn certain habits that last a lifetime.
I Think My Talkspace Therapist Is Just A German Shepherd With A Phone
I don’t know how it works, but it does!
Which Of Your Favorite Childhood Heroes Has Big Dick Energy?
In our identity-obsessed culture, it’s dangerous to put people in boxes—both literally and figuratively. But while there’s no one way to define a soul, there are definitely strong universal energies which we all possess that help define who we are. And today, I want to talk specifically about Big Dick Energy (BDE). Everyone and their […]
How To Win The Social Media “Most Wounded Person” Award
Despondence and self-loathing suck, but what sucks even more is not profiting from yours. How often have you been on Facebook or Twitter, complaining that your life is a bleak pit of despair, only for someone to come along and mention that, in addition to their near unspeakable level of existential malaise, their cat just […]
How To Meditate Without Being Consumed By Memories Of That Thing You Did
When you close your eyes, focus on your breathing, and find peace in the silence, you will inevitably find yourself fighting back the memory of that thing you did that time. That horrible, horrible thing. Without a bevy of distractions to keep the memory at bay, the look in their eyes as your victim slowly […]
Relaxing Tai Chi Moves That Gently Push Your Farts Toward Your Enemies
Reduce stress with Tai Chi through a series of fluid motions that clear away negative air and gently push your farts toward your enemies.
All-Natural Cures For Depression That Are Just Bubble Baths
The concept of “self-care” has a rich and storied history. It began in mental health circles as, like, setting reminders to at least try to brush your teeth when you can’t get out of bed for two weeks. So boring! According to the top spiritual health and wellness gurus, what you really need to break […]
Ways to Relax When You’re Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop
Because things can go horribly wrong at literally any moment.
The Rejuvenating Powers Of Sand
The Rejuvenating Powers Of Sand By “Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially Don’t be afraid, former sea-creature. We are all children of the ocean, having long ago emerged to walk the earth in the ancient year of 360 BC. Most historians wouldn’t tell you that, but of course, most […]
How To Actualize Your Healing With Wellness Therapy
Follow my easy method for actualizing your mental and/or physical healing with wellness therapy.
Deep Breathing Exercises For When Your Home Is Getting Robbed Right Now
Don’t let the stress of a home invasion get to you.
Quiz: Which ‘They Don’t Think It Be Like It Is, But It Do’ Are You?
They don’t think it be like it is! But it do.
I Made A Raccoon My Life Coach And I’ve Never Been Happier
Rummage through the trash of life and find your true self!
For The Last Time, I’m An Electrician, Not An Energy Healer
I truly don’t know how much clearer I can be on this.