The Newest Eco-Cleaning Trend Is Living In Squalor!
Time is running out to reverse the progression of climate change, and in order to even be considered a decent human being, you should be doing absolutely everything you can to reduce your carbon footprint. And while we know most of you have worked hard to incorporate eco-cleaning products into your routine, it’s just not enough. No, the only way to save the planet is to stop cleaning entirely and allow your home to become the natural squalor dwelling our planet deserves.
Remember: We’re Killing The Planet With Cleanliness
I first realized it was time to give up on traditional eco-cleaning principles when I took a good hard look at my supposedly “eco-friendly” all-purpose cleaner. You know what it contained? Coconut. Coconut that was possibly harvested from endangered coconut forests. Are those real? Who knows. But you can bet if they are, we’re ruining them. Furthermore, it contained palm oil, which is personally implicated in killing millions of…some animal (honestly I can’t keep track). Besides, the bottle is plastic. I might as well go shove it directly down a seagull’s throat.
Allowing my house to descend into squalor is admittedly a slow, pretty gross process. The mold build-up was pretty immediate. There’s a piece of wheat-free vegan hot dog that’s cemented itself to the counter, and I’m pretty sure it’s sprouting. I choose to see this as a positive, as I’m creating new plant (or possibly fungal?) life.
Explaining Things To Your Loved Ones
My husband didn’t really understand why our new eco-conscious household meant he had to stop taking out the garbage. I explained that if we can’t stop ourselves from using non-sustainable products, the very least we can do is not add them to landfills! I don’t like to shout, but I did have to raise my voice to tell him this, because it turns out thick layers of Organic Grain-Free Cheese Puff bags create quite a sound barrier in the average living room. He’s over there, somewhere, behind the Leaning Tower of La Croix Cases. I’m sure he understands.
Now, of course, one of the first questions you may ask is how to handle things like showering and going to the bathroom. For showering, you’re going to need to wait for a good rain. However, even showering outdoors is stealing water the sky is trying to give to the ground. So after your shower, I’d suggest rolling around on the ground like a horse to dry off. You’re giving Earth back its desperately needed life force—while getting an exfoliating mud bath!
As for going to the bathroom, well, let’s just say your home-grown vegetables will never need fertilizer again. And you can even keep the wolves away from your home/den by liberally peeing in a circular pattern around your dwelling!
God Bless This Mess
As your house reverts to a dwelling more eco-appropriate for sustainable life on earth—i.e. a rank pile of trash—you will undoubtedly find yourself more in touch with your true nature. Humans have spent so long running from our real animal selves, so you may find you don’t recognize parts of your new identity. But as you stare at your grimy, mud-covered reflection in that still pool of urine and wastewater, be proud! You’re setting an example of how humans should live. Pat yourself on the back (just move that mouse that lives in your hair) and go find another La Croix.