Dudes In Makeup (Why I Took This Job)
Look, I went to high school in the aughts. Nobody actually called it that, but it was so long ago our readers don’t have to know. In the aughts, if you were into dudes wearing makeup you had three options: terrifying Livejournal porn, sketch comedy, and like two movies. These kids today with their RuPaul’s Drag Race and their actual porn don’t even know the sacrifices we made. I watched Party Monster so many times the DVD broke (DVDs were circular discs we used to watch movies). I’m sorry to tell you that’s why I took this job at Bunny Ears. Our next editorial meeting with the boss is gonna be supes awkward.
I honestly didn’t know there were other women who thought men in makeup were hot because to get Porn For Women™, you have to go through several secret rituals and I always forget to clip enough Cathy comics before the ceremony. But it turns out this is a thing many people like. It’s called “forced” feminization (not actually forced) or “sissification.” I prefer to call it “princessing” because of how many times I made the boys in my class play the board game Pretty Pretty Princess.
Forced feminization often involves male submission, sexual humiliation, and even orgasm control. Some guys are really into it, which is something I say a lot. In my case, it’s less about dominating someone and more about just finding a dude in eyeliner really, really hot. Besides, all sex with me is orgasm control.
Makeup hasn’t always been considered a “feminine” or “female” thing. Ancient Egyptian men and women wore eyeliner. Ancient Sumerian men and women wore lipstick. Ceremonial paint is used in a lot of cultures today, often on men. Yes, this is part of a very long speech I give dudes. Yes, I gave that speech to our merch guy fifty times. It’s also printed on my Tinder profile. Shut up. Don’t fire me. It’s not my fault we hired a merch guy with such pouty lips and brooding glam rock eyes. You can’t prove I’m putting things in his desk drawer. Maybe he just really likes Revlon inkstain pens in Bitten™.
If Macaulay Culkin didn’t want people like me working for Bunny Ears he should have thought about that before wearing makeup that one time for a movie role because that’s all anyone associates him with now (I’ve been told there are other movies, but I’ll believe it when I see it.)
Maybe I’m like this because there was a time when women were not legally allowed to be funny. If you watch any sketch comedy from the ’90s or before, straight men don makeup and wigs all the time because it meant they didn’t have to hire any actual females. And yeah, it clearly left an imprint/made me wanna mash the performer’s junk.
Our merch guy is such a graceful Disney princess of a man, by the way. Just saying. Most people who are into forced feminization, as I recently learned, have healthy fun relationships and probably don’t mail girdles to their merch guy’s private residence. Right?
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…