bunnyears

…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …

Dudes In Makeup (Why I Took This Job)

makeup

Look, I went to high school in the aughts. Nobody actually called it that, but it was so long ago our readers don’t have to know. In the aughts, if you were into dudes wearing makeup you had three options: terrifying Livejournal porn, sketch comedy, and like two movies. These kids today with their RuPaul’s Drag Race and their actual porn don’t even know the sacrifices we made. I watched Party Monster so many times the DVD broke (DVDs were circular discs we used to watch movies). I’m sorry to tell you that’s why I took this job at Bunny Ears. Our next editorial meeting with the boss is gonna be supes awkward.

I honestly didn’t know there were other women who thought men in makeup were hot because to get Porn For Women™, you have to go through several secret rituals and I always forget to clip enough Cathy comics before the ceremony. But it turns out this is a thing many people like. It’s called “forced” feminization (not actually forced) or “sissification.” I prefer to call it “princessing” because of how many times I made the boys in my class play the board game Pretty Pretty Princess.

Forced feminization often involves male submission, sexual humiliation, and even orgasm control. Some guys are really into it, which is something I say a lot. In my case, it’s less about dominating someone and more about just finding a dude in eyeliner really, really hot. Besides, all sex with me is orgasm control.

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Makeup hasn’t always been considered a “feminine” or “female” thing. Ancient Egyptian men and women wore eyeliner. Ancient Sumerian men and women wore lipstick. Ceremonial paint is used in a lot of cultures today, often on men. Yes, this is part of a very long speech I give dudes. Yes, I gave that speech to our merch guy fifty times. It’s also printed on my Tinder profile. Shut up. Don’t fire me. It’s not my fault we hired a merch guy with such pouty lips and brooding glam rock eyes. You can’t prove I’m putting things in his desk drawer. Maybe he just really likes Revlon inkstain pens in Bitten™.

If Macaulay Culkin didn’t want people like me working for Bunny Ears he should have thought about that before wearing makeup that one time for a movie role because that’s all anyone associates him with now (I’ve been told there are other movies, but I’ll believe it when I see it.)

Maybe I’m like this because there was a time when women were not legally allowed to be funny. If you watch any sketch comedy from the ’90s or before, straight men don makeup and wigs all the time because it meant they didn’t have to hire any actual females. And yeah, it clearly left an imprint/made me wanna mash the performer’s junk.

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Our merch guy is such a graceful Disney princess of a man, by the way. Just saying. Most people who are into forced feminization, as I recently learned, have healthy fun relationships and probably don’t mail girdles to their merch guy’s private residence. Right?

Images: Pixabay, World of Wonder Productions, Pixabay

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