My friends are often surprised to find out that I won’t move in with a guy until I’ve got a ring or at least an understanding that we are a couple. Sure, it’s a little old fashioned, but it’s what works for me.
I’m not some stuffy agony aunt trying to tell you what to do, but I’ve made mistakes in my past, like the time I broke into a crush’s apartment when he was away for the weekend and redecorated his space in a way that was just really us. Sure enough, that backfired, even though I let him keep half of his vintage Star Trek action figures. Some men can’t appreciate a throw pillow! They also can’t appreciate someone who they’ve technically “never met” playing them a Celine Dion album and insisting that “My Heart Will Go On” is our song. Men, am I right?
Anyway, live and learn. Now I’m moving forward on the path that’s right for me—one that doesn’t involve more prison time.
Look, if I’m going to be sleeping in the same bed with a guy, I’d prefer it if he didn’t look at me in the morning and scream “Who are you, and what are you doing in my bed?” First of all, Sheldon, that’s hurtful, because we’ve met several times through your friend Brad from work, and second, I would feel better if my partner actually liked me and wanted to move in with me. I assume. I don’t know. I have a hard time forming lasting relationships. My friends say I “move too fast,” which I think is unfair. You’ve got to get in there before he shuts the front door.
Even if you plan to marry someone, moving in together can be stressful. That stress can increase exponentially if you’re not even on a first-name basis with a guy. Sharing a kitchen with a stranger can be especially dicey, particularly when that stranger is holding a knife, but that wasn’t what it looked like, Sheldon. The flat-leaf parsley for that delicious cassoulet for two wasn’t going to chop itself, you know. You’re being completely unreasonable. I took the time to jimmy open your lock with a credit card and prepare a beautiful, nourishing candlelit dinner for the two of us. You can’t even be bothered to try a bite before calling the cops about a home intruder?
My parents have been married for over 30 years, and they were dating when they moved in together. Times may have changed, but waiting until a man knows your name to move into his home never goes out of style. (It’s Ella, Sheldon. I don’t know why you keep saying you’re engaged to a woman named McKenzie. That’s not my name.)
A relationship should feel exciting. Each new step forward should be a thrilling celebration of love. This natural progression gets interrupted if you wait until they leave their window slightly ajar one morning and then take their cat and laptop to an apartment you’ve decorated with Photoshopped pictures of yourself with him in Paris too soon. When that much excitement happens that early in a relationship, things can really implode, even though his cat looks way better now. Also, your best friend might refuse to bail you out because “you really need to think about what you’ve done this time.”
Good luck in your relationships, readers, and stop locking your doors! Especially you, Sheldon.