It’s so weird that most of us were scandalized when Prince William and Princess Kate decided to take on a third party into their marriage.
We asked our very own Bunny Ears team what they’ve always wanted from their Valentine. Pay attention! Chances are your special someone will want one of these romantic gifts too.
If you gotta go, you gotta go mourned eternally by someone who found true love just to have it slip through their fingers by the cruelty of fate (and that double-decker bus.)
Could you imagine if someone actually made a blackface jumper and sold it?
If you breed your children, you’re literally worse than a hypothetical love child made from the union of Hitler and Stalin, who was then was nannied by Pol Pot.
Now the little green owl will guilt you into learning the language of the lowly and the downtrodden!
Just don’t call it your spirit animal, okay? That’s problematic.
The advantages of being white never go out of style!
Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?
Seriously just fucking take them.
Read it and then provide at least several pages of feedback and suggestions. The talking hippo is named Everett and he mostly screams.
The guy can really use the help, and I’m here to give it to him one 90 mile-an-hour moonstone fastball at a time.
I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!
This is your special time! Turn every possible opportunity into your favor.
With the right team of professionals, your child can avoid any and all consequences.
Because why shouldn’t they learn from your fears?
Yes, if you long for a really fuzzy pair of hands around your throat these amazing winter turtlenecks are the perfect way to blend your kink with your couture!
Get that guy fired—your way.
For me, it started small. It was a beanie that looked like a dick.
Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.
(Jerking off outside.)
Even if the people who own the zoo keep telling you to please stop doing that.
No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now.
The toilet is where the pee-pee and poops leave your body,
You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.
Yes, we SPIT in our purses!
A good doula is duty-bound to help you do things your way!
Everyone loves Jane. No one likes me. So, Jane seemed like the perfect resolution.
People are fickle and disappointing, but objects last forever.
So I Can Thrive On Just Grass?
Building a tiny walled prison is one of those chores that demands attention but doesn’t excite your passion.
A therapist is just someone you pay to listen and be nice to you. At Trader Joe’s they do it for free.
We would never want to cramp your hump-pumping with the cruel reality of below freezing weather.
HACK THE PLANET! HACK THE PLANNNNEEEEET!
Literally.
This year, my goal is to get shwiggity fuckin’ shwasted, and I can’t wait to get to it!
It’s incredibly disturbing.
Santa is the ultimate space daddy and now you may want to get your own but stay away!
You don’t even have to be dead!
It’s the only way.
And don’t forget to buy my companion book!
Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?
When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?
It started when I saw three mysterious figures dancing around a barrel fire in the sewer.
I have goddamn robot shoes. What now?
