Let’s face it, ladies. Dating is hard. I struggled to lock down a man for years. I’d watch The Bachelorette and long for a partner, or 28, to chase after me. And yet, date after date, I wouldn’t get a second. So when I stumbled upon a book entitled 7 Secrets to Pull Him Closer Instead of Pushing Him Away in my local give a book, take a book (I didn’t have a book but I had a half-eaten Hot Pocket in my purse which I left instead), I figured I’d give it a shot.
And it worked! Like, really, really worked. And I’m going to share all seven secrets with you right now—because every woman deserves to have seven men trapped in their basement, just like me!
Secret #1: Use “Unique Pairing” to Get Him Addicted to Your Personality
This one’s all about showing your guy surprising-yet-complementary personality traits. Be both playful and seductive. Coy, yet direct. Sexy, yet innocent. While out on my date with Tucker, I invited him back to my house and offered him a blow job (seductive) while simultaneously playing a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos (playful). He was in! (And still is, thanks to a door that can’t be unlocked from within).
Secret #2: Set Boundaries
This is all about having high standards for how you expect to be treated. It’s saying, “No, I don’t want a Roast Beef Gyro from the drive-through at Arby’s, I want a Smokehouse Brisket and I want to sit inside!” It’s also about setting literal, impermeable boundaries inside the perimeter of your basement so that no one can escape. Concrete works well, as does barbed wire.
Secret #3: Show Desire Without Dependance
This tip is all about allowing the man to do something for you, but also showing you’re not needy. Usually, I beg, scream, and cry for men to come over and spend time with me. I learned that I have to act like I don’t need them (even though I so do!). So while I was on a date with Seth, I told him about the giant spider web in my basement, and my plans to use a machete to eliminate it that night. Just like that spider, my web was weaved. Woven? Who knows. But Seth agreed to come over and help me kill the spider! Spoiler: There is no spider in my basement, but there is a Seth.
Secret #4: Show Him You Have Your Own Exciting Life
I always thought when a guy asked my availability and I told him “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday (except for my 5PM scheduled parole visit), Saturday, and Sunday” I was giving him so many options. But turns out, you’re supposed to appear as if you have a super busy life. So I made sure to seem super unattainable when I met Jake. So unattainable, in fact, that instead of appearing at my door when he came to pick me up, I merely left a trail of cryptic arrows pointing in the direction of (you guessed it) my basement. Lucky for me, Jake has a curious nature. And he looks so hot all tied up down there.
Secret #5: Let Him Pursue You
I’d been going about getting guys into my fantasy suite (aka, the sub-chamber in my basement) all wrong. If you really want to snag a man, you should let him do the chasing. That is of course before you literally chase him into your basement with whatever blunt object and/or weapon you have on hand. (Might I recommend bear mace?)
Secret #6: Stoke Sexual Tension
To my surprise, I read that creating sexual tension doesn’t entail having sex in the Chili’s bathroom within the first five minutes of the date. There are tons of other things you can do to get him in the mood: wear revealing clothes, find excuses to touch, lace his drink with sleepy pills and ensure he wakes up restrained in a bed in your basement in front of a TV that solely loops the movie Body Heat. See? Tons of things!
Secret #7: Make Him Feel Free… And He’ll Never Want to Leave
I now realize I’ve been far too critical of the men I’ve dated in the past. Maybe I shouldn’t have told Chad that dentists aren’t real doctors, or Alex that I stole money from his wallet on the regs. But I always believed honesty was the best policy. Wrong! You have to let the man be himself and don’t make him feel silly for the things he loves. So when Alex told me he was a fabulous piano player, I told him I would absolutely love to hear him play on my top-of-the-line Steinway Grand located in the soundproof “practice room” in my basement.
Boom. Say hello to Bachelor Number 7!
That’s right, I did it! I am living out my dream of being The Bachelorette in real life, and I have seven men living in my basement screaming my name all hours of the day and night to prove it. Thank you, Jesus, for this guide! (Jesus is my friend who told me about give a book, take a book.)
And those producers I met with said I wasn’t “Bachelorette-material.” Crazy, right?