So, You Just Quit WWE

Not everyone is cut out for the silver screen like John Cena or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The job market is tough for former pro-wrestlers, but with the right motivation, you can be out of your spandex tights and into a sensible pair of khaki work slacks in no time. Here are a few job recommendations for the WWE Superstars of today who quit to become the laborers of tomorrow.

The Go Home Depot

The term Go Home can mean many things in wrestling. But when you quit the WWE, you’ll need somewhere to get the supplies to make your domicile livable, and that’s where The Go Home Depot comes in. It exclusively hires former wrestlers, because who else is strong enough to carry bag after bag of cement mix? With good pay and great benefits, you’ll recognize some familiar faces around the store: Cactus Jack’s Barbed Wire, Chainsaw Charlie’s Chainsaws, and, new for 2019, the Dean Ambrose Flower and Garden Green House. Come drop off an application and say hi to Mitch Junior!

Al Snow’s Head Shop

What does everybody want? Head (shops)! With marijuana legalization spreading across America, it’s only time before every street corner has a head shop, and the original Job Squad leader won’t lay on his back for the 1-2-3 on this one. With a chill environment and all the edibles available to combat years of being pounded into the mat, this is the perfect place for our retired heroes to work and soak up the pain. Just ask legend and long-time toker Rob Van Dam. Oh, he doesn’t work there, just always seems to show up when that joint gets lit up. RVD 4:20/24/7.

Barnes and Jamie Nobles

Jamie Noble was always portrayed on WWE TV as a white trash/hillbilly/redneck who lived in a trailer. In reality, he’s quite the intellectual and well read, and he has an ever-expanding collection he wants to share with the world at Barnes and Jamie Nobles. All the elite thinkers of the wrestling world have worked there, from Bobby “The Brain” Heenan to Damien Sandow. Dean Douglas read hardcore stories to children for a spell in ’97. Even “The Genius” Lanny Poffo stocked books for a while until he was dismissed for sharing his self-fellating trick with customers.

Raven’s Depression Hotline

Remember when 900 numbers for wrestlers used to be a thing? For Raven, they still are. For $4.99 a minute Raven will read you one of his many depressing poems, capping it off with his signature, “Quote the Raven… Nevermore.” It’s more chilling than actually helpful, but kudos to Raven and his Flock for their suicide prevention work. For former wrestling emos and goths looking to grab a paycheck (we’re looking at you Gangrel and Vampiro), 1-900-NVR-MORE is a great job, where the only ring you’ll have to deal with comes from a phone.

Jakked Fifth Avenue

Since you quit the WWE, you’re never going to have an entrance in front of thousands of screaming fans again, nor will anyone ever hit your music, but that doesn’t mean you can’t bring the larger than life persona that you created and spread your sense of style at Jakked Fifth Avenue. Jesse “The Body” Ventura, SuperStar Billy Graham and Gorgeous George, all had stints standing and branding the Iron Shiekiest of gear in the window. For hours, sometimes days, these wrestling fashion icons posed and flaunted all the dopest styles in what looked like a David Blaine trick having sex with one of those guards with the furry hats outside the British Palace imitating Edge and Christian’s 5-Second Pose.

And if these jobs aren’t for you, just run for President.

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