Wilford Brimley Shares His Secret To Staying So Old
He’s been elderly longer than you’ve been alive. But how does he do it? How does he keep looking so old? While most celebs like to stay tight-lipped about their beauty routines, Cocoon star Wilford Brimley has never been shy about sharing his secrets. From moisturizing with dry sand to maintaining a disgusting diet, looking ancient has never seemed so attainable.
1. Eat Absolute Crap
Whether your tastes run more sweet or savory, Brimley has a good rule of thumb. “Eat it. Eat all of it. Then eat some more. In fact, are you going to finish that?” That’s right. You don’t need to like what you’re putting in your body. You just need to put it in there. From chocolate cake to racks of ribs, fast foods to Quaker Oats, gobble it down until people start giving up their seats on the bus for you. Then go back for seconds.
2. Never Met A Sunscreen He Could Stomach
As an old ranch hand, Brimley knows a thing or two about spending time in the sun. And he knows if you want to look long in the tooth, you’ve got to cook that skin nice and crispy. No sunscreen, no matter how weak, should go anywhere near your skin. Instead, bake that epidermis dry. If your face doesn’t feel like an old leather glove at all times, you’re doing it wrong.
3. Sleep A Lot Or Not At All
The trick with sleep is to never play it safe. Either spend days at a time in bed, holed up in your own filth, or skip sleep altogether. What you’re trying to avoid is appearing well-rested. As Brimley says, “I’ve looked in my 70s for 30 plus years. You don’t stay this decrepit getting eight hours a night.”
4. Standing Up Is For Suckers
It’s not enough to slack on exercise. You’re going to want to stay seated as much as humanly possible. Motorized scooters can help in a pinch, but even the exertion you use crawling into one might be burning calories you want to keep. So keep your fanny planted and your pudge where it belongs.
5. Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em
A pack a day keeps the youth away. Two packs, and you’re really starting to get somewhere. The fact of the matter is, looking as old as Brimley requires a healthy smoking habit. No days off. No excuses. Just year in and year out, puffing away like a soot-stained chimney.
6. A Little Plastic Surgery To Plump It Up
When all else fails, Brimley is happy to get a little work done. A few extra wrinkles here. A bit more paunch there. As he sees it, “There’s no shame in wanting to look a certain way and doing whatever you have to do to make it happen.” Amen! If only other old-looking stars were so honest. Cough. Betty White. Cough. (Sorry, we’ve taken up smoking. Thanks, Wilford!)
Images: Paramount Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Liberty Medical/YouTube