Underwear Brands Need To Acknowledge My Weird Penis
Women have long struggled to find underwear that is comfortable yet affordable, that’s made for everyday female bodies instead of just the young models in lingerie commercials. The underwear industry cares less about what’s easy to wear, and more about what’s easy on the eyes of ogling men. This is an undeniable disgrace.
What About Me, A Man?
But what about the clothing needs of those men? The muscular models in Fruit of the Loom commercials all have large, shapely packages. That’s not always realistic. Yet underwear is always made with that assumption, and so it can end up being, like, a little too tight or loose. That’s annoying. No, that’s infuriating. That is yet another body shaming disgrace being shoved down society’s unwilling throat. But where’s the media crusade for this problem? Aren’t our concerns literally 100% as important as the concerns of women? As a staunch male feminist, I say yes. And I will therefore demand equality in this situation that is clearly perfectly equal.
For decades, women have faced immense social pressure to conform to exacting physical standards, both in public and in the privacy of the bedroom. But men have also felt this intense pressure. Men have worried that, during the brief glimpses people get of us in locker rooms and during sitcom-esque mishaps, our ratty blue Stafford briefs will make it obvious that our penises curve in somewhat unorthodox ways, or that one testicle hangs noticeably different from another. Where are the underwear models whose genitalia outline makes you pause for a moment and think “Huh, that’s not what most of them look like. Oh well, it must work fine given this man’s professional success”? And where is the underwear that downplays that outline, enhancing the mystery? Don’t make boxers that box men in. Make boxers that are a surprise to unbox.
You Should All Love My Weird Penis
The way society judges the bodies of women is cruel, but the way society judges the outline of a man’s penis is equally cruel. Do you have any idea how many women have rejected me solely because of my penis outline? And not for any other reason? Of course, you don’t, because you’ve never bothered to check your penis privilege. I don’t either, because this is a subject so taboo that society refuses to discuss it. And so women—and men!—are free to reach whatever sick and unfair conclusions they want when they catch me in my underwear and see my ding dong draft.
I love women of all shapes and sizes. Because I believe that men and women are equal, I believe that women of all shapes and sizes should love me despite the fact that my weird penis does that thing. I, and many like me, demand that underwear manufacturers cater to our bodies and our needs. Men demand that our underwear be comfortable, whether we’re trying to be seductive or just lounging around in front of the television. We demand that our underwear compliment our penises, not betray them. We demand equality, because equality means that all issues should be given equal attention and priority. Especially when those issues are our dicks. So please, underwear makers, don’t #dishonorthedick.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…