Fun Ways To Ask Your Cool Teens If They’ve Had A BM Today
While your teenager may not be a baby anymore, they’ll always be your baby. And as their parent, it’s your responsibility—and right—to know what’s going on in their lives, especially when it comes to their health. Yes, we’re talking about bowel movements. The regularity and consistency of your teen’s evacuations provide a critical window into their overall well-being. And as tricky as it may seem to broach, there are definitely some “lit AF” and “trill ways” to seamlessly slide into your teen’s BMs.
The teenagers of 2019 are like the teens of any year: They’re heavily into celebrities. However, don’t make the mistake of talking about celebs of your generation, because you can’t go around dropping names like En Vogue and the Spin Doctors and expect Jaden and Hayden to know what you’re talking about. To get through to them, you have to talk about the celebrities they know, especially if you’re trying to get them to tell you all about the last time they pooped. So try something like “Have you dropped a deuce like Ariana Grande dropped Pete Davidson?”
Appeal To Their Hormones
Teenagers are nothing if not hormone-driven horn dogs. They love hot people, and they call hot people “snacks.” So try the old “That Noah Centineo / Ariel Winter is a real snack, am I right? I bet they poop at least once a day and tell their parents if that rate ever changes or their leavings concern them in any way.”
The hottest musical trend with today’s teenagers is “rap.” These “rappers,” as they call them, don’t sing, but rather talk in rhythm to the music, or “beats.” A good rapper is said to have great “flow,” and that is your entry point into your teen’s exit point. “This rapper I heard on Snapchat has great flow! That reminds me, has everything been flowing out of your bottom correctly? Did you poop today, sweetie?”
Use yourself as an example to show that you—a person they look up to and think is the coolest person on the planet—also poops and isn’t afraid to talk about it. “I had to take a break from playing Fortnite to poop. I love having my daily BM. They’re so crunk.”
Trick your teen into telling you about their BMs by sneaking it into a conversation about something even more embarrassing (that you really don’t want to know the answer to anyway). Then they’ll answer the pooping question quickly and truthfully just to get the conversation over with. “Have you been using condoms when you’ve been having premarital sex in your car behind the Arby’s? If you want, we can go down to the Planned Parenthood together and get you some birth control pills. Oh, and while we’re talking about your dirty downstairs, did you have a BM today? Was it firm?”
Cool As Ice
When it doubt, just throw in as much slang and pop culture references as possible. Even though you don’t understand anything you’re saying, you’re bound to use at least one of them correctly. It’s the law of averages! “Hey fam, next time you’re butt-chugging Tide Pods, make sure your poops are painless and require minimal strain.”
Speak Their Language
And that language is emoji. Those are those little picture symbols they use instead of words (they’re in your phone, trust us). After you’ve learned how to use them, find the poop emoji. It’s the one that looks like a swirl of chocolate frozen yogurt with Muppet eyes. Text them the poop emoji. Never stop texting them the poop emoji.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…