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We Can’t Get Enough Of These 5 Celebrity-Recommended Tax Havens

When celebrities talk, we listen, especially when they give out advice on how they live so luxuriously. Who could forget Jennifer Lopez’s makeup tips that guarantee no one will know you’re actually 74 years old? And everyone in the Bunny Ears offices has been religiously sticking to Jennifer Aniston’s power-lifting routine. So when celebs spill the beans on what they think are the best countries to open an offshore bank account to hide their wealth from local and federal governments, we’re here for it. Here’s what they had to say.

Anne Hathaway: The British Virgin Islands

“I think I first fell in love with the British Virgin Islands when I found out they have no corporate tax, estate tax, inheritance tax, gift tax, or sales tax and an effective income tax rate of zero,” Hathaway totally told us. “I was frustrated with previous tax havens I’d tried, namely Switzerland and Dominica. They were all well and good, but they didn’t offer the full, absolute shielding of my money from the U.S. federal government that I was looking for. I needed some peace of mind; I needed to know with certainty that there was no way anyone would be able to touch my money in this or any other lifetime. I could not rest until I was assured my money would be permanently removed from circulation. I got that peace of mind in the Virgin Islands. The 245-pound stack of $100 bills with my name on it sitting in their vault will outlive us all.” Too true, Annie.

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Daniel Craig: The Cayman Islands

“When I was in the Caribbean shooting Casino Royale, one of the producers introduced me to the idea of hiding a majority of my money in an offshore account far away from those grubby cretins in Parliament,” Craig definitely mentioned over brunch the other day. “He specifically recommended that I hide my money in the nearby Cayman Islands, since they aren’t necessarily required to adhere to domestic financial regulations. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s because of that producer that three of my yachts that are docked in London fly the flags of the Caymans. If you ever see one of my beautiful, large, luxury boats pulling into your bay, know that all those strippers are dancing on what is essentially a floating middle finger.” Way to stick it to the Man, Danny Boy.

Shakira: Malta

“For a long time, I considered Malta my personal secret, like a boutique tax haven just for me and a few of my friends,” the Colombian songstress recently revealed via magical owl. “But silly me, I couldn’t stop myself from raving to everyone I knew that since Maltese tax rates are almost nonexistent on foreign funds, but locals have to pay 30-35% on their income, I don’t have to feel bad that they aren’t making any money from my investments. They’re making plenty! Just not from me. Now, don’t get me wrong: I loved my tax haven in the Bahamas. They were my first tax haven, and well, as they say, you never forget your first. But Malta is a small up-and-coming tax haven destination that’s ready to contend with the big boys.” Oh, you.

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Nick Jonas: Panama

“I can’t tell you how relieved I was when my name was nowhere to be found among the now-infamous Panama Papers that exposed a sprawling global network of wealthy tax evaders!” Jonas exclaimed during our super-exclusive summoning circle last weekend. We are close. “My brothers and I have been swimming in cash since childhood, so it was only right that our parents nestled a majority of it away in a number of dummy Panamanian LLCs. My career is mostly focused on music, and I act a little here and there, but according to the nation of Panama, I’m also the owner of a ‘fishery,’ a ‘coffee shop,’ and a high-end bordello. Note that last one doesn’t have quotes around it. 😉” He actually winked. Prove he didn’t.

Blake Lively: Netherlands

“I used to hide my money in Luxembourg until my husband, Deadpool, told me about the wonders of the Netherlands,” Lively just emailed us. “He told me it’s where Nike, General Motors, Heinz, Time-Warner, and hundreds of other major American corporations hide their money. I figured if those iconic American brands that I’ve grown to trust refuse to have their money taxed in the country that allowed them to thrive, then why should I? If American citizens were to find out how much money would flow back into the country if even 5% of all this foreign-held cash were repatriated, our beautiful heads would be on pikes!” You’ll definitely be the first against the wall, Blakeydoodle.

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