We Can’t Get Enough Of These 5 Celebrity-Recommended Tax Havens
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…RIP KOKO…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
Cancer linked to death!
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…God found dead in space…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…Queen Kong???…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Waldo still missing…
…Hats are cool…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Lindbergh baby missing…

We Can’t Get Enough Of These 5 Celebrity-Recommended Tax Havens

When celebrities talk, we listen, especially when they give out advice on how they live so luxuriously. Who could forget Jennifer Lopez’s makeup tips that guarantee no one will know you’re actually 74 years old? And everyone in the Bunny Ears offices has been religiously sticking to Jennifer Aniston’s power-lifting routine. So when celebs spill the beans on what they think are the best countries to open an offshore bank account to hide their wealth from local and federal governments, we’re here for it. Here’s what they had to say.

Anne Hathaway: The British Virgin Islands

“I think I first fell in love with the British Virgin Islands when I found out they have no corporate tax, estate tax, inheritance tax, gift tax, or sales tax and an effective income tax rate of zero,” Hathaway totally told us. “I was frustrated with previous tax havens I’d tried, namely Switzerland and Dominica. They were all well and good, but they didn’t offer the full, absolute shielding of my money from the U.S. federal government that I was looking for. I needed some peace of mind; I needed to know with certainty that there was no way anyone would be able to touch my money in this or any other lifetime. I could not rest until I was assured my money would be permanently removed from circulation. I got that peace of mind in the Virgin Islands. The 245-pound stack of $100 bills with my name on it sitting in their vault will outlive us all.” Too true, Annie.

Daniel Craig: The Cayman Islands

“When I was in the Caribbean shooting Casino Royale, one of the producers introduced me to the idea of hiding a majority of my money in an offshore account far away from those grubby cretins in Parliament,” Craig definitely mentioned over brunch the other day. “He specifically recommended that I hide my money in the nearby Cayman Islands, since they aren’t necessarily required to adhere to domestic financial regulations. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s because of that producer that three of my yachts that are docked in London fly the flags of the Caymans. If you ever see one of my beautiful, large, luxury boats pulling into your bay, know that all those strippers are dancing on what is essentially a floating middle finger.” Way to stick it to the Man, Danny Boy.

Shakira: Malta

“For a long time, I considered Malta my personal secret, like a boutique tax haven just for me and a few of my friends,” the Colombian songstress recently revealed via magical owl. “But silly me, I couldn’t stop myself from raving to everyone I knew that since Maltese tax rates are almost nonexistent on foreign funds, but locals have to pay 30-35% on their income, I don’t have to feel bad that they aren’t making any money from my investments. They’re making plenty! Just not from me. Now, don’t get me wrong: I loved my tax haven in the Bahamas. They were my first tax haven, and well, as they say, you never forget your first. But Malta is a small up-and-coming tax haven destination that’s ready to contend with the big boys.” Oh, you.

Nick Jonas: Panama

“I can’t tell you how relieved I was when my name was nowhere to be found among the now-infamous Panama Papers that exposed a sprawling global network of wealthy tax evaders!” Jonas exclaimed during our super-exclusive summoning circle last weekend. We are close. “My brothers and I have been swimming in cash since childhood, so it was only right that our parents nestled a majority of it away in a number of dummy Panamanian LLCs. My career is mostly focused on music, and I act a little here and there, but according to the nation of Panama, I’m also the owner of a ‘fishery,’ a ‘coffee shop,’ and a high-end bordello. Note that last one doesn’t have quotes around it. 😉” He actually winked. Prove he didn’t.

Blake Lively: Netherlands

“I used to hide my money in Luxembourg until my husband, Deadpool, told me about the wonders of the Netherlands,” Lively just emailed us. “He told me it’s where Nike, General Motors, Heinz, Time-Warner, and hundreds of other major American corporations hide their money. I figured if those iconic American brands that I’ve grown to trust refuse to have their money taxed in the country that allowed them to thrive, then why should I? If American citizens were to find out how much money would flow back into the country if even 5% of all this foreign-held cash were repatriated, our beautiful heads would be on pikes!” You’ll definitely be the first against the wall, Blakeydoodle.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

Luis Prada
Luis Prada

Luis is a columnist for Cracked.com and an astral projection of an unfathomable being from across the universe.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.