European Cities That Won’t Stretch Your Comfort Zone As A Whitey
Your vacation won’t be relaxing if you have to scream, “I want water! Water. WATER. WAAAT-ERR!” every time you’re thirsty.
“Birding” Brings Avian Alimentary Process to Hip New Heights
You’d barely notice Mama Bird’s Cafe if you didn’t already know what to look for. Tucked in the back corner of a parking lot in Echo Park, next to a launderette, a cigarette stand, and something called “Dr. Funsicle’s Mystery Shop of Edu-tainment,” is a small room containing four elegantly dressed tables. There’s a sign […]
How To Not Look Too Rich While Traveling In A Foreign Country
So you’re interested in traveling in a foreign country —specifically a developing nation—but you’re afraid your MacBook and designer jeans might make you stand out just a tad too much? Have no fear, for we know exactly what to do to temporarily poor-ify your digs and make you blend in like a precious upper-middle-class baby […]
The Best (And Worst) Governments To Get Mind Controlled By
It’s inescapable. No matter where you go, the government is going to mind control you either through low tech microwaves and chemicals in the water, or with high tech nanobots in your flu vaccines. Cuba showed us what happens when an inexperienced government tries its hand at mind control using tech that is well above […]
Beautiful Places In The World To Wake Up On Purpose This Time
People say it’s not about the destination but the journey to get there—but I say as long as you made it there in one piece, who cares how it happened.
Serene Bottomless Pits To Visit This Summer
You’ll want to stare into these bottomless, lonely cavities for the rest of your life.
Two Days in Southeast Portland: A Bunny Ears Travel Guide
Insider tip: Portland’s hottest neighborhood sits at the foot of a volcano. Known for its supply-and-demand-defying concentration of pour-over coffee shops (not to mention an over-saturated body ink scene!), the South Tabor community affords visitors decent eats and some seriously earthy nightlife options. One day is too short a time to embrace it, but two […]
The Most Instagrammable Ways To Die This Summer
Sure, death is forever. But so is the perfect instagram pic!
Travel The World By Recapturing Those 13 Evil Ghosts You Released
You’ll wish these demon spirits escaped every year!
Our Vacation Packing Guide Is So Light, You’ll Die Of Exposure
Vacation should be about leaving your old life and tired connections behind, along with most of your clothes and ALL of your money!
The 5 Best Places In The World To Shamelessly Rock A Fanny Pack
From Stockholm to a Doobie Brothers show.
These 5 Posh Hotels Have One Thing in Common: You’re Banned from Them
Not everybody gets to stay at the most beautiful and luxurious hotels in the world. Especially not you anymore after what you’ve done in them.
Dreamy Spring Beach Escapes That Are Already Booked By Better People
Bad news: you won’t be taking a glorious spring beach escape this year. Good news: We found out who booked your spot, and they’re so much cooler than you!
Travel Guide: Under The Sea
The ocean is terrible and full of scary fish and fish-monsters. Why do you want to go there? What’s wrong with you?
7 Unbelievable Places People Have Barfed In This Dave & Buster’s
Oh gross, they barfed in this excerpt. C’mon!
Travel Guide: The Secret Canadian Disneyland ONLY For Illuminati
You’ve heard of Club 33, right? You know, that secret club at Disneyland you can only get into if you know the right people where they probably, like, smoke cigars and pass around a poor girl who moved to Hollywood with dreams of being an actress but ended up playing Cinderella for most of her […]
Valentine’s Day Trips To Make You Realize You Never Loved Each Other
Here are some recommendations for weekend trips that will make this Valentines Day unforgettable. Even if it means you’ll never forget how bad it was.
Macaulay Culkin’s Pointed Guide To New Orleans
New Orleans celebrates Mardi Gras the two weeks before Shrove Tuesday, which is … when?
Macaulay Culkin’s Pointed Guide To Las Vegas
If you’re in Vegas, you’re going to end up with the body of a dead hooker – either accidentally or on purpose, so it’s best to plan ahead!
Luxurious Ski Resorts You Couldn’t Get Into, So Actually Nevermind
You probably wouldn’t even know what to do if you did get into one anyway.
Travel Guide: Night Vale
I don’t really know how I ended up in Night Vale. No one here does. One day, you just find yourself there.
The Best Illegal Souvenirs From Around The World (That Aren’t Shirts)
Because fuck shirts. Except ours, you should buy ours with that link to your right.
The Best Places in Calgary to Make Fun of Canadians
And so I’ve fulfilled all legal requirements to write off this trip on my taxes!
The Best Places to Find Inner Peace And Hopefully An Affair
How do you decide where to go to find inner peace and hopefully an affair with someone whose voice doesn’t make you wish you would just die already.
We Can’t Get Enough Of These 5 Celebrity-Recommended Tax Havens
When celebs spill the beans on the best countries to open an offshore bank account to hide their wealth from different governments, we’re here for it.
A Tour Guide Of The Places Where Men Have Dumped Me
When it comes to men, I’ve been around the neighborhood a few times, if you know what I mean. What I mean is that I have been dumped by various men in various places in the town where I live throughout the years. Come with me, if you like, as I relive this journey and […]
All The Best Places To Visit Before You Die Next Week
In Ancient Greece, it was known that the true hero is one who journeys to die without hesitation, but with strength and purpose. Which is why it’s actually super good news that you’re dying next week! You’ve got seven whole days to imbue your life with strength and purpose, and gain the little “hero” badge […]
Travel Guide: An Incredible Hotel Where You Can Stay Forever
Years ago, I found this amazing hotel, and it is my distinct pleasure to share it with you now. I found it while I was road-tripping through California. I don’t remember exactly where—all I know is that it was located on a dark desert highway. It was unseasonably cool, and the fragrant wind was blowing […]
The Perfect 10 Days In Chile’s San José Copper–Gold Mine
While known for its volcanic mountaintops, the true treasure of Chile lies not in the peaks – but rather a secret far below. It’s no wonder that some say the country acquired its name from the Quechua word for “the deepest point of the Earth”. Earlier this summer myself and four close friends took a […]
How To Get Out Of Your Gym Membership By Starting A New Life At Sea
Joining a gym can be a great way to stay in shape, keep your mind focused, and tone your body. However, when you read the super-fine print (barely visible to the naked eye) you’ll often discover that you’ve entered into a five-year, uncompromising contract with the fitness center in question, and no feasible way to […]
I Solved All My Problems By Avoiding Them On The Pacific Crest Trail
Recently, I hit rock bottom. I think it all started as a child when my parents divorced, and it amplified in my adult years when my mother died. I know these are things most people “work through” at some point in their lives, but I don’t believe in therapy and no amount of crystals were […]
The Best Adult Summer Camps Conveniently Located Within The Perimeter Of My Inescapable Arizona Compound
Millennials are reportedly the least likely generation to consider themselves religious. And as the proud leader of my own legally-defined church, I find it greatly disheartening that this new generation appears to worship their Beyoncés and Andrew Garfields over the one true God. And considering the oppression my divine faith has received from the so-called […]
Visit Centralia, PA: The Ideal Destination Spa Spot!
Are you bored of your usual spa vacations to dull tropical paradises? When you’ve seen one white sand beach, you’ve seen them all. The incessant crashing of waves and squawking of seabirds can turn your spa retreat into a spa defeat. That’s why you should plan your next spacation at our hidden gem: the Centralia […]
Travel the World Without Leaving Home With One Totally Insane Trick
At ten a.m. I was in London, taking in the sights of Trafalgar Square. 20 minutes later, I was on the outskirts of Paris, awaiting freshly cooked crepes from the country’s finest pastry chef. By noon, I found myself in Japan, experiencing state-of-the-art technology designed specifically to clean my fartbox. This technology would later come […]
We Can’t Get Over This Tiny House’s Adorable Tiny Eviction Notice
The idea that tiny houses are more affordable is a common misconception. If you put your mind to it, there’s no reason you can’t live beyond your means in less than 200 square feet of space. Beth and Mike Swendell found that out the hard way when they were recently evicted from a handcrafted, Nordic-accented tiny […]
The Trendiest Places To Find Dead Mobsters in New Jersey
As a resident of the great state of New Jersey, I’m often asked, “Is New Jersey as bad as everyone says it is?” And good news: There’s plenty of cool stuff to enjoy in New Jersey if you know where to look. However, don’t look too hard, or you just might find a dead body! […]
Lavish Vacation Spots To Visit When You’re On The Run From The Securities and Exchange Commission
When you’re on the run from the Securities and Exchange Commission after orchestrating a massive fraudulent initial coin offering of your cryptocurrency, Skankcoin, you’re not going to hide out in some shack in Montana where there are more deer than mojitos. You earned the nearly $1 billion those dumb crypto-bros gave you of their own […]
Taking Your Daughter On Vacation, No Matter What the Judge Says
Have you and your daughter been drifting apart? Growing up is tough and can put a strain on a mother-daughter relationship, as can the mania and depression caused by your bipolar disorder. What better way to bridge the divide than to whisk her away on the tropical road trip of a lifetime! Sure, you could […]
Travel Guide: The Best Places to Cry In This Target
Whenever I’m home in Missoula, Montana and I find myself in need — whether I’m finally ready for new curtains or having a serious emotional crisis—I head on down to the local Target. Contained within these hallowed halls is everything you could possibly want (except fresh food, you have to cross the street to the […]
A Guide To British Slang So You Can Blend In At The Royal Wedding
If you’re heading over to London-town for the royal wedding, you’ll need to be prepared for a subtle but definite culture shock. While English is the unofficial language of both the UK and the US, that whole revolution thing drove a bit of a linguistic wedge between us. But fear not! We’ve compiled a list […]
I Found Out About This Thing Called “The Bus” And It’s Wild!
So, here’s the story of how I stumbled upon this cool thing called “the bus:” it all started last week when I had to get my private plane and BMWs serviced at the same time. Ugh! Everyone’s worst nightmare! Even worse, my chauffeur was on “leave” for “emergency heart surgery.” Such an unreliable man. I […]