The Commuter’s Guide to Bridge Trolls
[Editor’s Note: This article is not related to the Liam Neeson action vehicle “The Commuter”; Bunny Ears would like to apologize for any inconvenience this poses to our readers.]
It’s hard to argue that there is a greater pain to anyone in the modern day working class than the commute. Just think about all the nightmares we subject ourselves to on a daily basis, shall we? There’s the reckless spillage of hot coffee on our hands and/or genitals. There’s the myriad inconsiderate jagoffs behind the wheel, ignoring traffic laws like they were phone calls from their grandparents. There’s even drive-time morning zoo disc jockeys, a rare breed of scumbag whose job seems to expressly to wear down your objections towards suicide. That said, I think we can all agree as a society that there’s nothing more frustrating and inconvenient during your travels from work and back than bridge trolls.
You would assume the ridiculous prices we pay in tolls would mean we could make it across bridges in relative peace, but alas, in 2018, that’s not the case. Often times, we’re face-to-face with the grumbly grimace of those disgusting bridge trolls, taking up our valuable commute time with their threats and riddles.
Now, it’s often tempting to keep looking ahead and try to avoid these trolls altogether, but as most commuters can tell you, that’s a one-way ticket into the troll’s tummy. At the same time, if you get drawn into a bridge troll’s game, you could be holding up traffic for minutes and possibly even hours! So what do you do when a troll hops in front of your whip to avoid becoming mincemeat or the pariah of the commute?
Option #1: Trick the Troll
Once the troll has made eye contact and lets out a gravely guffaw, you’re essentially in it for the long haul. However, that doesn’t mean there are not ways of getting out of this tiresome bridge tradition. It won’t be easy, but it is entirely possible.
The best way to get out of bridge troll duty is to attack their senses, which are heightened by their oversized and disgusting facial appendages. If you’re able to create such a strong stench that even something that lives under a public works project can’t deal with it, you should be given a free pass. You could sew rotting meat into the seats of your car, although your safest bet might simply be giving up any and all methods of personal hygiene. You’ll be the bane of your office, but at least you won’t have to answer whimsical trick questions before you’ve had your coffee.
Of course, there are other methods of beating the trolls, albeit a bit more involved than stinking up the joint. You could always dress like a Rumpelstiltskin, and trick the troll like you would by showing a dog footage of cats on television. You could also potentially scare it off by approaching it fully in the nude, but that may affect the parking attendant at work more than a depraved mythical creature. Yet if you absolutely can’t go that extra distance to trick your regional bridge troll, there’s always…
Option #2: Play The Game by Your Rules
First off, do not get out of the vehicle. In the off-chance that the situation goes south, make the damned thing work for its next meal.
Once you’re settled in, the bridge troll will likely start off with some mischievous banter and then it’ll set the rules: all-in-all, it’ll ask you three questions, one of which is probably a trick. Most of the time, these questions are fairly easy, if not completely archaic in nature. But just in case you wanna speed up the process, you can play the game by your own rules by turning the tables on this troll.
Speaking from experience, your best bet in skipping the question process entirely requires some homework: read up as much as you can about bridges. These fucking guys love bridges. Then, when the moment comes to engage, start rattling off questions about bridges. Just hit it with a flurry of bridge trivia, and as soon as he answers something wrong, it’s now in an ethical quagmire. How can a bridge troll ask you anything when it knows nothing about the thing its sworn to guard? Once you’ve shamed its intelligence, it should go trot off into the shadows and you’ll be able to get to work and/or home.
Option #3: The Ol’ Bugs Bunny Switcheroo
In the event that doing extracurricular work to prevent getting eaten alive is “too hard” for you, there’s always the oldest trick in the book: dress like a sexy lady troll. Despite having to wear several pounds of prosthetic makeup on body, dawn a Marilyn Monroe-esque dress and the bridge troll should get so horned up that you won’t have to deal with any silly question nonsense. Granted, you might have to fuck that bridge troll, but I’m not here to judge. I’m here to help.
Option #4: Fight For Your Life
Unless you’re a professional wrestler or bodybuilder or something, I don’t recommend this at all. But if you want to empty your briefcase, arm yourself with a letter opener and a lukewarm cappuccino, and see if you can solve this problem permanently, it’s your funeral. Plus, once a bridge troll is gone, a half-dozen homeless people will take their place, and now you have to deal with a personified guilt trip on your commute everyday. Great job, tough guy.
Option #5: Answer The Questions, I Guess
A relatively painless option that doesn’t require you to stop bathing or have sexual intercourse with a monster, you can always just answer the questions and go on with your day. Actually, that seems like a pretty fair solution. Even if it tries to eat you, that still probably beats having to deal with all the perverts who take the train to work. Train people are the worst.