The Secret Ingredient In These Gluten-Free Peanut Butter Cookies Is The Love Your Mother Never Gave You
What’s better than a soft, delicious cookie? A soft, delicious cookie without dairy and gluten, of course! And that’s where my super simple five-ingredient peanut butter cookies come in. That’s right—all you’ll need for this full-proof recipe is eggs, sugar, vanilla, peanut butter, and Mother’s elusive love.
The first four ingredients are simple, but you don’t want the peanut butter crusting up or your eggs going rotten while you’re on the hunt for that oh-so-hard-to-get love part, so I advise you to stock up well before you start mixing. If you’re like me, and your mother was…busy, you may not have enough Mothers’ Love on hand for a whole batch—let alone for a basic sense of self worth. Luckily, there’s lots of ways to sneakily obtain this essential ingredient (none of the ways will make up for the emptiness you feel deep in your heart…but that’s what these cookies are for!).
Let’s get started.
Peanut Butter (one cup)
White Sugar (one cup)
Vanilla Extract (one teaspoon)
One Large Egg
Mothers’ Love (doesn’t have to be your mother’s, but wouldn’t that feel great?)
One of my personal favorite methods for obtaining Mothers’ Love is to hang out at libraries, public parks, and Nordstroms. You know, general places where mothers gather. I bring a bunch of homemade signs along with me asking for love. I always make sure the signs are written by hand. Mothers love things written by hand. Glitter and backward e’s help, too. Most people will carve a wide berth when walking past you, but inevitably some mom will feel guilty and sympathetic and will come over and give you a hug and maybe you’ll cry together a little. Bottle that feeling, and save it for later.
The second method is riskier, but definitely yields better results. Sneak into a maternity ward (just fake a pregnancy or something) and quietly snuggle up to a new mother when she’s having a quiet moment with her newborn baby. Fresh new Mothers’ Love is the purest form (not that I’d know) and will enhance the natural flavors.
If push comes to shove, you could also always pay a mother to offer some love. Ask her to look adoringly at your batter, give it a reassuring caress, or just sit on the floor and color with it. You know, the kind of thing your mom would never, ever do with you. Note: While this is a guaranteed method for obtaining this vital ingredient, the Mothers’ Love will be somewhat tainted with a Monetary Greed aftertaste. But beggars can’t be choosers.
Anyway, mix all the ingredients together and form into 1-inch balls. Place in the oven at 325 degrees for 10-15 minutes.
Serve And Enjoy:
Feel free to customize with sprinklings of brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg…whatever your mother’s favorite toppings may be. Does she like milk? Pair them with milk. Does she prefer coffee? These go wonderfully with coffee. What does Mother want? We can make this work. Not that it matters. She probably won’t even notice how hard you worked for this. She never does. Screw it. Just eat the whole batch in a single sitting. Who’s going to tell you that you can’t? Not your mother, that’s for goddamn sure. She’d have to care first.