Carolyn was just an average kid until a freak sledding accident caused her to drown in a summer camp lake. She has been writing for various websites like Crunchyroll and Cracked.com and formerly Wetpaint and ScreenRant from beyond the grave for over five years. Every hundred years or so she is allowed to return to Earth to hack up teenagers and attend middle school dances ... not always at the same time.
What I Learned From Hiring Paparazzi For My Dog’s Funeral
The neighbors were admittedly displeased.
My Son Dialed 1-800-Kars-4-Kids, But They Refused To Give Him A Tesla
Elon Musk is his hero! I tried to explain this to them but they kept asking if I wanted to sponsor the education for some child “in need.”
The Collagen Diet: Crispy Recipes For Eating Your Own Skin
You know, for the health benefits.
Make The Most Of Your Dying Days And Multi-Task Your Bucket List
You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.
If Your Shoes Aren’t Transformers, What The Fuck Is Even The Point?
I have goddamn robot shoes. What now?
You’re A Godless Monster If You Don’t Use These Vegan Sex Toys
Mother Earth is counting on you.
Enhance Sex With Stuff You’ve Seen In Your BF’s Raiding Guild
It’s sure to probably work. Maybe?
This Instant-Pot Is The Only Thing You’ll Ever Need In Your Life Ever Again Forever
I think you’re afraid to know true enlightenment. I get it, navigating the higher planes of existence can be scary at first.
Fresh And Flirty Tips For Dressing Like Your Favorite Serial Murderers
Check out our exclusive serial killer style guide for fall 2018.
A Tour Guide Of The Places Where Men Have Dumped Me
When it comes to men, I’ve been around the neighborhood a few times, if you know what I mean. What I mean is that I have been dumped by various men in various places in the town where I live throughout the years. Come with me, if you like, as I relive this journey and […]
The Best Vitamins To Soak Your Tampons In Before Sticking Them Up Your Butt
Taking care of my health is very important to me. But I’m a very busy woman and I don’t have the time to keep track of which vitamins, minerals, and birth controls I’ve ingested in the past 24 hours. That’s why I’m so in love with the vitamin tampons trend. So convenient for an on-the-go […]
I Thought My Clay Face Mask Clogged My Sink But I Actually Created An Unstoppable Golem
I’ve tried all kinds of skin care routines, but nothing really fit until I discovered this amazing face mask. It’s a very thick clay mask that feels great on the skin and really sucks the dirt out of pores. Eventually, though, I ran into some trouble with the thick clay clogging up my sink. At least, that’s […]
The Beginner’s Guide To Taking Care Of Your Aging Stage Mom
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series in which our experts provide everything you need to know about a multitude of endeavors. This week’s writer, Carolyn Burke, will be taking you through: The Beginner’s Guide To Taking Care Of Your Aging Stage Mom From Carolyn: I’ve never been particularly close with Mother. To be […]
I Misunderstood The Glass Skin Trend And Does Anyone Have A Tourniquet?
I was so excited to try out this trend. I was skeptical at first. How could this possibly work? But several of my Insta friends have had amazing success. So, there had to be something to it, right? Still, the thought of mashing up glass and rubbing it all over my skin … What possible […]
PTA Fashion Essentials: How To Show The Other Moms You Rarely Get Day Drunk Anymore
I guess some people would claim it’s my own fault that the PTA moms don’t want me to hang out anymore. You wear one inside-out bikini to your daughter’s kindergarten graduation, and all of the sudden, it’s “I’m sorry, I already made plans for the weekend” and “Oh, we’re not inviting the whole class to Tegan’s […]
How To Boost Your Productivity And Enhance Your Vacation Days Using The French Republican Calendar
What a brave, new world we’re living in. Yes, politics are looking grimmer than ever. But tolerance is up overall. Shamers are being shamed. Freak flags are being flown higher than ever before. Even the new pope is pretty freaking rad. Most popes throughout history have been … let’s just say not quite so rad. […]
The Spider Venom Cleanse Made My Sex Life Unbelievably Exciting
Bee venom therapy is both bourgeois and passé. You injected yourself, Gerard Butler? Weak sauce. Let the bees do the injecting for you and then maybe we can talk. It’s not like they don’t have perfectly good needles coming out of their butts, you know. Geez. However, for the past few weeks I’ve been absolutely in […]
I Spoke To My Plant To Help It Grow And Now It’s The CEO Of A Fortune 500 Company
I’m not what you might call “nurturing.” More plants have died by my hand than I care to count. I live and die by my slow cooker. Without it, I’d never eat a home-cooked meal in my life. And … well, I used to have children. But I found an amazing lifehack that’s allowed me […]
You’ll Need To Rob A Bank To Afford These Stylish Balaclavas
Black is a fashion staple for a reason. It’s slimming, neutral, and hides all your facial features when you really need to stay anonymous. But if you really want to make a fashion statement, you need to jazz things up a bit. These stylish balaclavas put a unique spin on the classic bank robber’s ski […]
The Secret Ingredient In These Gluten-Free Peanut Butter Cookies Is The Love Your Mother Never Gave You
What’s better than a soft, delicious cookie? A soft, delicious cookie without dairy and gluten, of course! And that’s where my super simple five-ingredient peanut butter cookies come in. That’s right—all you’ll need for this full-proof recipe is eggs, sugar, vanilla, peanut butter, and Mother’s elusive love. The first four ingredients are simple, but you don’t want the […]
I Bathed In Milk For A Month And Now I’m Strong Like Cow
CVI have always had very sensitive, delicate skin. Even the gentlest of healthcare products produces angry, red rashes that mar my otherwise exquisite complexion. After years of home remedies and ancient voodoo techniques, I have finally discovered the beauty regimen that works for me. A few weeks ago, I began bathing in cow’s milk almost exclusively. […]
I Tried The Blood Type Diet And Oh Boy Is Finding Blood To Drink Harder Than It Sounds
Look, I’ve tried just about every diet under the sun and I can tell you, most of them are false promises and retained water weight. All those carb-based diets leave you feeling sluggish. Atkins? Maybe if you want gout. Vegan? I’m not a rabbit, thanks. I had started to give up. I thought I would […]
I Mixed Up My Bath Bomb And Actual Bomb Recipes And Now I’m In Federal Custody
I work so hard watching my nanny, Sarah, put together bento box lunches for my children and smiling and nodding when my husband Gregory talks about his “business.” I don’t know exactly what he does and I think, for legal purposes, that I don’t want to. I really just tune out whenever he’s speaking. Anyway, […]
How to Balance Your Vaginal pH So A Colony of Bees Can Flourish There
The world is in bad shape. Politics are a virtual minefield. The weather is devastatingly out of control. And hey, did you know the honeybees are still dying? Still, guys. Look, I know what you’re thinking. “I’m allergic to bees, bees killed Macaulay Culkin, and peanut butter is better than honey anyway.” Fair. I’m impressed […]
The Best Health Advice Based On Your Star Sign
Hey! It’s you! It feels like it’s been so long. I missed you. Come, friends. Learn the ancient wisdom of the stars to prevent the most common health ailments suffered by your zodiac sign. I love you. So try to stick around for a while, OK? Aries You’re active and energetic … which also likely […]
Color Of The Month: Asphyxiation
Kink shaming is a thing of the past; now, it’s all about body positivity and living your best life. You do you, figuratively or literally. It doesn’t really matter. Life is short, and we are all going to die. Our color of the month, asphyxiation, is a trendy way to showcase your hidden desires to […]
How To Literally Attract A Man Using High-Powered Magnets, And Other Foolproof Methods
Dating is rough these days. What with the swiping, the ghosting, and the guys lying about the size of their yurts (45 square feet, my butt). Sometimes it’s enough to make you want to just give up altogether. But fear not, fellow spinsters. Read on for full-proof ways to attract a man! Bacon On A […]
How To Superglue Your Pores Shut To Keep Out Dirt And Oil
As you may have guessed, I have pretty bad acne … or some other type of dermatological health issue that causes red skin and raised bumps on the face. There are a lot of those. I suspect it’s cystic acne based on what I’ve read about the symptoms on the internet. But only God knows […]
Small Space Living: I Lived In A Dollhouse For A Month And My Chiropractor Loved It
Life is so extra. Hot yoga and influencer parties. Yurts, cockroach milk, and these vagina eggs. Enough already! Taking the time to unplug and unwind can rejuvenate your body and mind. I decided to take a little time to downsize and de-clutter my life and focus what really matters. Small space living is all the rage, […]
How To Get That Beachy Summer Look To Make People Think You Have Time For Vacations
It’s that time of year again! Summer—when the days are getting longer and the air smells of sunscreen and pit sweat. And while the season is almost synonymous with vacation-time, there’s plenty of us out there who realistically won’t be taking any time off. Maybe you don’t trust your incompetent coworkers enough to keep your […]
Dress For The Job You Want: Superintendent of the Division of Unclaimed Funds Akil Hardy
I’ve always been a naturally career-driven person. Promotions, raises, jealous water cooler gossip. This is what I live for. Some people choose to focus on their families or whatever, and that’s … fine. But for me, there’s nothing quite like climbing the corporate ladder. The number one key to success is … well, knowing the […]
How To Use Blackmail To Secure Your Toddler’s Spot In A Prestigious Private Preschool
For better or worse, a college degree is no longer enough to ensure your child’s success. When 300 other job applicants all have the same Computer Engineering degrees, only your child’s exclusive early education experience (aka, private preschool) will give him or her the upper hand over the rest of those nerds. Unfortunately, the snobs […]
Dog Yoga + Human Butt Sniffing: Bonding With Man’s Best Friend
You think about your dog. Of course you do. Their cute little button nose. Their thin yet powerful haunches. But do you actually think about your dog? No one else is there for you like your pupper is. Nobody else lights up when you enter the room after being gone for just five damn minutes. […]
How To Use Therapy Speak To Haggle Down The Price Of Almost Anything
We as a society have spent far more time nurturing our physical health than our mental wellness. For decades, even whispering the words “anxiety journal” could earn a person a bunch of raised eyebrows and an un-invitation to Vicki’s gender reveal party. But times have changed! Mental healthcare is not only embraced and encouraged, it’s […]
Thoughtful Gifts I Should’ve Gotten Mother Last Week, But Didn’t…
Growing up, my mother was one of my idols. She was beautiful, strong, busy (always very, very busy), but that’s also why she was so successful with her elbow modeling business. She has such delicate elbows (and so smooth, too). While Mother was traveling the world, rubbing those famous elbows with the Hollywood elite, my […]
I Foster My Son’s Creativity by Keeping Him in an Empty Room
I make sure my child’s creativity stays strong and vibrant by keeping him in an empty room.
Nature Walks: The Perfect Alibi For Casing A Joint
Nothing says alibi like, “Look — it’s two different species of fern!”
How To Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Doula Without Alienating Your Life Coach
Having a baby changes everything, from your bladder function to your spiritual needs. You know you won’t get through it without your doula, but now your life coach, who’s been by your side from your wild single days right through to your socioeconomically appropriate marriage, feels left out. How do you keep the most important […]
I Shouldn’t Be Charged For The Hotel Room I Destroyed Doing Rage Yoga
I know I destroyed that hotel room. But you can’t persecute me for participating in rage yoga. I will contest this outrageous bill.
Relationship Tips: A Handsy Guide To Touching The Butt
We as a society place a lot of restrictions on ourselves when it comes to relationships. But I’m here to let you know it’s OK to be spontaneous. Happy, even! As long as your sexual proclivities are between two (or more) consenting adults you can just feel free to go right on and let your […]
The Best Places To Steal Mimosas
I can afford them. But I am charming and special and I refuse.
This Easy Slow Cooker Pork Recipe Definitely Doesn’t Taste Like Impending Divorce
Look, I’ve never really been all that great at this homemaker stuff, OK? We had a live-in nanny/housekeeper/cook who helped out a bit when I was young. But between fashion camp and miniature horse polo I never really had the time to learn myself. I like to think I’m just better suited to the era […]
Totally Not Awkward Ways To Rewear Your Wedding Dress
Better than cutting it up into rags