The Boogeyman’s Real And He Taught My Stepson To Eat Worms
Good god, what have I done? I only wanted to score some points with my stepson. Show him and my wife what a cool, dedicated parental figure I can be. Jordan’s favorite wrestler is the Boogeyman (for god knows what reason) so I invited his “role model” over for a super chill BBQ and Madden sesh … things did not go to plan.
That Steak Was Expensive
I thought it was pretty frickin’ rude when Boogeyman declined the meats I had been slaving over all afternoon. He said he brought his own meal, then pulled a giant wad of earthworms out of his black leather cargo pants, shoveling them into his mouth in big, gasping gulps. My wife and I were horrified, of course, but Jordan was enraptured by the whole ordeal. I could feel a knot growing in my stomach as his eyes grew wide and drool began to drip from his hungry, slack-jawed mouth. In an instant, I saw my future.
At Least The Doctor Seems Cool With It
Ever since that night, Jordan has refused to eat anything but worms. He and Boogeyman have really taken to each other, too. Which is nice … I guess. Jordan has a positive influence in his life and Boogeyman was so delighted to finally make a friend who accepted his eccentric palate. I insisted on dragging Jordan to the pediatrician on a weekly basis—mostly hoping the doctor would say his eating habits were unacceptable and he would be forced to stop. But apparently bugs are the food of the future and we should be encouraging and embracing Jordie’s new diet. I swear to god, I am not going to start eating these damn worms.
The Worms Are Getting Expensive, Too
At first, this whole worm-eating thing at least seemed okay from a fiscal perspective. Worms are way cheaper than traditional food and we spent a lot less time in the kitchen, too. But worms are not very filling and after a while I couldn’t keep up with Jordie and Boogey’s demands. I worked multiple jobs and spent my nights digging in the woods behind my house. As their appetite grew, I took to more and more extreme measures to obtain the worms required to satiate them. I’ve been banned from pet stores and bait shops across three state lines. Once, I tried to substitute them with gummy worms and got a swift dropkick to the dome. I hear there’s a fairly decent living to be made in the worm farming industry. Please, send money, worms, or vermiculture tips my way. I’m desperate.
Photo: WWE
