Pro Wrestling Techniques To Help Get You Through A Breakup
We get it. You want to break up with your significant other, but you’re finding it difficult to make a clean break. Handling conflict is tricky, so look to the true masters of conflict: professional wrestlers. With some of these handy breakup wrestling techniques, your separation will be as smooth as a Ricky Steamboat arm drag.
Send Them Through a Barbershop Window
Go run some errands with your short-lived lover, and make sure you swing by your local barbershop. Tell them “Hey, I’m gonna go in for a quick haircut. I need to look good in my Tinder pics.” Before they can say “Marty Jannetty,” you’ve superkicked their heart.
Give Them a Parting Gift
Sometimes, you can take the sting out of a break up with a thoughtful parting gift. When Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens were best friends, Jericho used to carry around a list of grievances and enemies. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you can relate. When Kevin wanted to end their friendship, Kevin got Jericho a brand new list. The only catch was that Chris’s name was on the top. Give your special friend a gift that sends an extra message. “Thanks for the new luggage, honey! I can’t wait to use it! Wait, what do you mean I just ‘made the list?'”
Use Simple And Direct Language
It can be hard to articulate your feelings in a clear and decisive way. You want to break up your tag team, but you also don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. It’s better to be direct with your language, and there is no language more clear than body language. When Batista broke it off with his running buddy, Triple H, he used a classic “thumbs down” hand gesture to get his message across. When it’s time to give your decision, look your future ex right in the eye, extend your fist, then point that thumb directly towards the mat. Sit out powerbomb not necessary—they’ll get the message.
Twin For The Win
If you don’t have the guts to break up with your significant other, just have your twin do it. Sit your domestic partner down, point behind them, and while they are looking the other way, switch with your twin sibling, who has been hiding under the couch all evening. Have your twin get the one, two, three on the relationship while you are safely out of sight. After your new ex leaves, you can celebrate with your doppelganger.
Bury Yourself Alive
Sometimes, you’re so deep in a relationship that there is only one logical way to get out: faking your own death. Simply get yourself in a “buried alive” match with a boiler room-dwelling maniac, take the L, and get yourself buried by a gang of goons. Everyone will think you’re dead, and your significant other will change their status to “single” or at least “it’s complicated.”
These are just some of the useful breakup wrestling techniques you copy from the squared circle to square away your relationship status. While you may walk away with emotional bruises, if you follow these techniques, you just might find yourself being the world champion (of love).
Images: World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.