A Day In The Life: 18 Hours With Rami Malek (Before He Escaped)
Imagine my manic delight when I was asked by Bunny Ears to do a “day in the life” piece about the sexy and talented Rami Malek, winner of every award for his portrayal of Freddie Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody and voted “Most Likely To Become My Soulmate Through Captivity” by the yearbook committee I hired to write superlatives for my celebrity crushes. We hit a snag when it turned out Rami never actually agreed to participate in the piece, but I wasn’t about to let that come between us. After refusing to return my many (34) phone calls, Rami had left me with only one choice to confirm our interview.
5:45 A.M.—Rami’s House
Sadly, showering his windows with pebbles went unnoticed. Instead, I turned to pounding on his front door and wailing like a banshee. It worked! He threw the door open, and after a lot of nonsense about the time, agreed to schedule the interview for many hours later. I can’t be sure, but I think he winked at me.
10:30 A.M.—Blue Bottle Coffee
Rami felt it would be better to talk in a public place, for some reason, but that was fine with me. The more people who saw us together, the more people who might believe we are dating. He was delightfully chatty, but I had trouble focusing on anything other than his gorgeous green eyes. All I caught was “Something something morning, something something espresso, something something girlfriend.” I shut off the recorder.
“Did you just stop recording?”
“No. Please continue.”
He continued to talk, but I never turned on the recorder again.
12:00 P.M.—Y7 Yoga Studio
Our next stop was the infrared hip-hop yoga studio where Rami Malek likes to sweat it out. The instructor was a little too handsy with him for my taste, so I threw a block in her path, but she expertly skirted around it. I tried to improvise a partner yoga sequence with Rami during the freestyle movement section, but he prefers to practice alone. I ran to the bathroom to cry.
1:30 P.M.—Y7 Yoga Studio Bathroom
Rami started banging on the door and asking for his car keys. Aww, our first fight! I agreed to give them back if he agreed to come with me to the Bunny Ears office to see what a day in my life looks like. He sighed but ultimately agreed because he wanted to speak to Mack and our lawyers.
2:30 P.M.—Bunny Ears Offices
I led Rami to the staff room/dungeon and hastily gagged and handcuffed him. Unsure of what to do next and with no superiors to be seen, I settled in across from him, picked up an old Time magazine, and started reading an article about cutting-edge genetic research to him. “Wow, it’s amazing how far science has come, huh?” I asked him, but Rami didn’t feel like talking, I guess.
9:30 P.M.—Staff Room/Dungeon
Rami started to seem distressed. He wouldn’t eat any of the leftover charcuterie plate from last week’s meeting I found uncovered in the fridge. I have to be honest: It wasn’t as much fun as I thought it was going to be. He barely spoke, and whenever I tried to make out with him, he bit me. I felt like I was in this relationship alone.
11:45 P.M.—Staff Room/Dungeon
I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, Rami Malek was gone! He even took the chair with him. I guess he could have done that at any time. Maybe he’s not very bright—or maybe he was enjoying our time together! I’m gonna drop by his house first thing tomorrow morning to find out.