Oh my god, you guys, things are really starting to look up for me! I was pretty sure I got Chandler, but when Joey showed up in my latest restraining order, I knew it was official. I have a mini–Friends reunion on my hands.
As we all know, whenever more than one former Friends cast member enters the same room, it is a mini–Friends reunion and must be reported as such by every U.S. news outlet even though there are six friends and they all live in the same town. Also, they were colleagues for 10 years, so they probably bonded and still want to see each other once in a while. Still, we are definitely doing the right thing by keeping a record of these historic interactions. I personally am doing the right thing by getting several of them in this courthouse today.
I’m so psyched! I’ve been following the Friends for years. I followed Jennifer Aniston to the Academy Awards and Matthew Perry to an IHOP. I followed Lisa Kudrow to one of the nicest salons in L.A. and Matthew Perry to another IHOP. That guy really likes IHOP.
What should I wear on this momentous occasion that will definitely be covered by TMZ, E! News, and People magazine? Oh, that’s right—I have to wear an orange jump suit. Well, maybe I can snazz it up by duct taping a lock of Lisa Kudrow’s hair to it. Or does that make me look too thirsty?
God, I’m just so lucky. I can’t believe I get to experience a real mini–Friends reunion. I think my favorite so far—and believe me, it’s hard to pick just one—was the time Maggie Wheeler and Matthew Perry both got arrested at a Lakers game. She kept putting her butt on stuff, and he tried to sneak in a whole bunch of pancakes. When they both got booked in that cute little Lakers jail, there were three gossip columnists there waiting for them.
Oh, there was also the time that Courtney Cox got attacked by Katie (the monkey that played Marcel) on a red carpet for the Animal Planet awards. I was like “Aaaahhh, mini–Friends reunion!” Everyone else was like “Aaaahhh, we should probably help Courtney Cox, she’s super bleeding a lot.”
Maybe my mini–Friends reunion will be someone else’s favorite, but honestly, I can’t take all the credit. I wasn’t even trying to stalk Matt LeBlanc—I was just trying to avoid David Schwimmer. He found out I was stalking the other Friends, and he started calling me all the time like “Hey, why aren’t you stalking me?” He just got really clingy, and it was a little unsettling, you know? Like, I’m sorry, I love Friends, but no one wants to stalk you, Dave. I just so happened to run into Matt Leblanc when I was running away from David Schwimmer, and I kind of forgot what I was doing and just yelled “GIVE ME YOUR HAIR.”
So that’s how I got where I am today. Where I am today is, of course, the happiest I’ve ever been at the center of my very own court-mandated front row seat for a mini–Friends reunion.