Stick This In Your Butt To Meet An ER Doctor This Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day is one of our favorite holidays, but we also know that it can be positively agonizing when you’re painfully, unwillingly single. That being said, you don’t want to wind up with just anybody. You want someone classy and respectable, someone who holds down a good job and brings in a nice salary. Clearly, you want a doctor, and there’s no shame in that. And the best way to meet a doctor is to go where doctors hang out: hospital emergency rooms.

So give yourself a meet cute this Valentine’s Day by doing something that’s sure to land you in Doctor Central and get some face time with a cute M.D. That’s right: Shove one of these romantic, swoon-worthy objects up your butt. (Okay, maybe not face time, because you’ll be face-down on a gurney, but still.)

A little teddy bear with a romantic message on it

A stuffed animal holding a heart that says “I love you” or “Be mine” is a perfunctory, useless piece of garbage purchased last-minute at a pharmacy without any thought put into it … unless you stick it in your stinker! When a doctor yanks it out of there, it’ll send the message that you want them to be yours. So when they get it all the way free, turn around, look them directly in the eye, and say “That’s for you!”

A candle

A taper is definitely going to be the smoothest option for getting in and out of Brown Town, but a big, thick, votive sends a major message—and that message is “I burn for you, Doctor.”

A box of chocolates

Lord Byron, one of England’s finest Romantic-era poets, once said that “life itself is like a box of chocolates, as one never knows what one will get.” And in this situation, your doctor won’t expect to pull an entire, cellophane-wrapped box of See’s or Russell Stover out of your crap-shooter. It’s the perfect way to say “I’m sweet on you, Doctor!”

A dozen long-stemmed roses

Absolutely everyone can appreciate being surprised with a bouquet of flowers. And your future boyfriend or girlfriend who is also a doctor will certainly be surprised—and romanced—as they slowly extract one red rose after another from your even redder anal cavity. Put some baby’s breath in there to complete the package, and that doctor will be so busy swooning that they’ll completely ignore their other patients and focus entirely on you. (Note: Consider removing thorns from flowers first—but up to you!)

A greeting card

OMG, aren’t those musical greeting cards so much fun? Those ones that cost like three times as much as regular cards because they’re embedded with a little sound chip that plays “You Sexy Thing” when you open them? Yeah, buy one of those and shove it right up your trusty ol’ poop chute. When the doctor removes it (and accidentally sets off the sound with their forceps or whatever) they’ll get your message loud and clear.

Your phone number written on a cocktail napkin

It’s simple, it’s easy, and it couldn’t be clearer. Give them your digits right after they’ve had their digits up inside you!

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