Our Guide To The Most Terrifyingly Authentic Renaissance Faires of 2019

January 17, 2022 by , featured in Lifestyle
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Good Morrow, fair hero! You may not have noticed, but that last sentence was in old-fashioned Renaissance speak! That’s right, Renaissance Festival Season is upon us, and we would never leave you stranded without an up-to-the-minute guide. Of course, recently, certain factions have begun complaining about the lack of historical accuracy at these completely anachronistic events, and we hear their cries. That’s why, this year, we’re only focusing on the most authentic Renaissance Faires of 2019. Seriously. These faires will have you begging to come back to the present.

The Harvard Yard Renaissance Festival—Where Stake Burnings Are Encouraged

For three weeks this April, The Harvard Yard Renaissance Festival will pay tribute to a classic American tradition: Burning people at the stake. Of course, as we respect all Wicca practitioners and their various sex-crazed sects, no witches would ever be burned. But at 1 P.M. daily, just before the joust, you can see local Catholics dragged from their homes and burned to death in what we can only call a true pageant of human agony. Don’t forget to purchase your mutton sticks in advance! Roasting them in the ashes of people who think slightly differently about God than the Queen is a taste that will bring you right back to 1595.

The May Ren Fest—Where You’ll Probably Get The Plague

Cultural anthropologists have worked closely with disgruntled federal scientists to ensure that this authentic Renaissance Faire in Kansas is full of Elizabethan England’s most popular diseases. Is that Old Bay seasoning on your Crabe Cakes, or is it plague? The fun of this festival is never really knowing how you’re going to die. We promise, if you’re lucky enough to survive with (only) syphilis, you’ll soon think of it as a charming historic souvenir.

Experience Famine At Ye Olde Yinzer Irish Festival

This Pittsburgh-based faire celebrates the contributions Ireland made to the Renaissance. There is no food available, as the faire is kept in an authentic, permanent famine. If you’re lucky, you can team up with marauders and attack starving street boys for a single dried herring. Regular dispatches from England are read by town criers, reminding you that your monarchs consider you completely subhuman. However, you ARE allowed to kill the criers. Our favorite part about this Renaissance Faire is the distance it goes to get the job done. We were delighted to return to our parking spot to find that the English had stolen our car.

Image: Pixabay

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