How To Die Alone In 12 Easy Steps (As Told By Experts In Every Field)
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Queen Kong???…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…RIP KOKO…
…Hats are cool…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
Cancer linked to death!
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…God found dead in space…
…Waldo still missing…

12 Easy Steps You Can Take To Successfully Die Alone

Die Alone - Lady

Listen, technically, we’re all going to die alone. If you’re asking “Am I going to die alone?” The answer is unequivocally: yes. And some of us want to lead that less-popular, but “equally fulfilling” alternative lifestyle: that of the intentionally-single. “But I don’t know how to die alone…” Not to worry! Bunny Ears supports every lifestyle choice, no matter what, so for everyone eating a meal for one tonight, here are some guaranteed steps you can take to make sure you successfully, intentionally, die alone. All alone.  

12) Do Those Sweet Things You Wish Someone Else Would Do, But For Yourself

Die Alone - Touch

There’s something undeniably beautiful about being with someone who you know will always have your back. Someone whose complete body and soul are there to make you feel great. But if you’re all “yeah, I’ll take a pass” on a perfect recipe for basic human happiness; then there’s a device that will help you for pretty much anything that a human being could possibly offer. And they’re ready to go even if you haven’t cooked a surprise dinner for them, am I right?

Die Alone - Little Back Boi

This back scratcher will mean you don’t have to scratch anyone else’s back ever again. Die Alone - Foot BuddyThis foot bath/massager will also do all the work that a significant other(s) would, only without having to reciprocate.

Speaking of which, not to get too crude here, but get yourself a thing to fuck. You gotta fuck something. And it may as well be a thing designed specifically to fuck (unlike most people you will ever be with physically, romantically, or otherwise).

Die Alone - Sad

11) When You Meet Someone New, Don’t Get Their Information

Die Alone - With Friends

Let’s say you’re at the bar, knockin’ back a few with your chums, and you meet someone who is for sure the love of your life. They find every excuse to touch you or your hand, they talk really close up, and they say your name a lot. You could see having kids, getting a house, and growing old with this wonderful new human being. Never learn their last name, always ignore their texts (if you were stupid enough to give up your information), and make sure that even if they find you on social media, that they never hear from you again.

Imagine spending holidays with something other than an ironically-bought, but ultimately unavoidably-earnest, Kids’ Cuisine for your holiday meals. No thank you! Sounds terrible! Next!

10) Be An Absolute Monster To Service People Around Your Friends

Die Alone - Waiter

Never look a service person, like a waiter, for example (and make sure to call them “waiters/waitresses” instead of “servers,”), in the eye. Especially in front of your closest friends. Snapping your fingers at them always helps. Unleash your inner monster and send back food, insult them as they are walking away (yet are still within hearing-distance), and don’t tip. Announce your intentions of “not tipping” to the group out of nowhere, interrupting a previously-interesting conversation.

This will ensure that they’ll never invite you to “smaller” birthday parties, trust you with their children, or even want to ask you to help them move, because they will never want to spend that much one-on-one time with you again. Ever. Mission accomplished.

9) Turn Your Bed Into Your Significant Other, Basically

Die Alone - Bed Buddy

The goal here is to make it seem like someone else is there. First step is to buy a bunch of those hand warmers for when you’re in the snow. Second step is to put them in a body pillow (preferably the kind that has arms, like this cool one the Japanese invented), so that it feels like a real, oxygen-breathing, 98.6° human being has voluntarily chosen to sleep next to you, and that they want you to touch them

.
Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: Keep sharp knives at the foot of your bed where someone else’s toenails would be and really get in there by cutting the top of your heel on the knives about twice a month.

8) Stay In All The Time Doing Nothing And Tell People You’re “Super Busy OMG”

Die Alone - At home

You know when your friends (and everyone else you care about) make plans to either celebrate their birthdays or something else that means a lot to them? Forget that shit. Skip all of them and stay at home, doing basically nothing, alone. Mmmm.

Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: Say you’re going to the events so that they think you’ll be there, but still don’t show up. This guarantees maximum disappointment and alienation.

7) Write Your Will Right Now, Donate Everything To Charity

Die Alone - paper

Your last living testament should not be left to anyone who has even an inkling of a thought that they might get something once you die. Don’t get life insurance. If you have it already, make sure every penny goes into a giant charity hole that nobody will ever be able to legally gain anything from. Not even, and especially not, the less fortunate. Push your entire family away for all eternity with this smooth, lonely gesture.

6) Masturbate Real Loud, All The Time

Die Alone - Masturbate

Remember when you were just coming-of-age and your parents were for sure not going to be home for an extended period of time? Masturbate that loud. Get a real nice sound set-up (it’s not like you’re going to the movies anyway) and play any adult entertainment you want to as loud as you possibly can. People should call the cops if you get it just right. That’ll also help emotionally reject your neighbors. Awesome! Speaking of which…

5) Murder Your Nicest, Most Well-Beloved Neighbor

Die Alone - Granny

It can be a little-old-lady who always hands out anonymous Christmas cards (with cookies) to everyone on your floor, just to make sure you feel at home (and so you can tell it was her since the delicious smell always permeates from her apartment). She always adorns her rent-controlled apartment with pictures of her multiple grandchildren. All she does is talk about them. Brutally murder her by any means. Make sure she suffers for as long as humanly possible (this guarantees a longer sentence). Then call the cops.

4) Represent Yourself In Court

Die Alone - In court

There’s nothing more negligent, irresponsible, and ill-advised than representing yourself in court. Especially if you have a meager college education, no formal law degree, and have only seen My Cousin Vinny once. You will likely get first-degree murder with prior intent, but don’t worry about that. Be your own lawyer. Go nuts. What do you have to lose? It’s all going to be over soon anyway. Use retorts like “c’mon,” “who cares?” and “hold on, shut up” directly at the judge. Make fun of what they’re wearing and call them “nerd robes” throughout the trial. Really have fun with it. You’ll get life in prison.

3) When In Jail, Be Incredibly Aloof

Die Alone - In Jail

According to books, people have the same “first day of camp” instinct when they enter prison as a new inmate. Ignore everything your mind/survival instinct is telling you to do and never talk to anyone. Never learn a single name. Keep masturbating extremely loud during this period. Laugh every time.

2) Do Something “Death Penalty Bad” While In Jail

Die Alone - Death Row

Make a shiv using a toothbrush and make sure that it is sharp enough to pierce skin and use it on what you feel is “enough” people. According to California (a real wiener-ass state on the Death Penalty), if you’re serving life in prison and commit “fatal assault by a prisoner serving a life sentence,” then you get a one-way ticket straight to hell! Death penalty, ba-beee! Choo Choo!

1) Request Your Last Meal Be A Half-Pepperoni/Half-Anchovies Pizza

Die Alone - With Anchovies
This will be the most disgusting thing you do on your journey. While many anchovy lovers think this is a reasonable way to “split” a pizza with someone who isn’t clinically insane, the garbage juices from the slime-monsters on the other side of the pizza always spill over into the actual food. Oh, and the slices touching the anchovy ones have like 1/8th of an anchovy on them and are all gross on the sides because of the anchovies. Also, it still smells horrible. Nobody will ask for a slice.

Disclosure: There Is No Turning Back 💀

I know this all sounds easy, but give yourself plenty of time to plan in advance, get everything right, and don’t rush it. People can tell when you rush things. Once you’re finally tied down, bite hard on that leather, and get ready to complete this quick, simple, and fun way to die completely alone! Questions and comments below!

Brian Gilmore
Brian Gilmore

Head Creative Guy

Brian Gilmore has spent the last 15 years as part of the witness protection program and figures it's about time. The crooks are all probably not mad anymore. So now he's publicly writing for websites again. Fingers crossed!

25 Comments
  1. If someone is really lazy and doesn’t feel like going through the fun of all 12 steps, they can skip straight to the pizza. That should be a sure fire way to die alone.

  2. Shit, this is all stuff I already do. Had I known I could make a self help book I might have considered it. But now, I can’t be bothered.

  3. Good gods, someone took my life and made it humorous. These tears are laughing tears now instead of the usual this-isn’t-the-life-I-signed-up-for tears. Odd enough, they taste more bitter than normal.

    1. Thanks for letting us know! Be sure to tell all your friends about this incredibly stupid thing you read too. Thanks for reading!
      I love you,
      Craig

  4. I love most of what you say about being alone.But hard to get rid of the brainwashing.Especially when I have grandkids.But that too.
    My kids mostly insult and undermine me.So I decided to die alone – as they’re likely do the same at my deathbed.
    More power to your elbow.Etc.

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