We Hired An Expert To Smell Our Farts
Farts, just like human relationships, are an enigma. Does a particular stench have more to do with one’s eating habits or their individual personality? Can you read them nasal tarot cards? How many farts are too many farts? We hired the world’s premier farting expert (Joel, a 37-year-old man who still has roommates, drinks Mountain Dew, and used to date a staffer who would prefer to remain anonymous) to hopefully answer these questions but also because making him smell our farts just sounded enjoyable.
Dinessa chose her favorite meal, a bowl of greasy fries, so it wasn’t long before she was blasting off. Joel concluded that while Dinessa’s farts went off at dangerous speeds, they weren’t that terrible-smelling, probably because of the inorganic ingredients. To be honest, they still kind of came out smelling like fries, and it just made us hungry all over again. Joel found that her sweet toots represented her as a person: quiet, reserved, often understated but very intelligent at her core. The aforementioned anonymous staffer argued that he just thought she was hot.
Kaykay decided to go big with her fart food choices and inhale an entire pizza in the back of the Bunny Ears staff wagon on our way to second lunch. She fartboxed the vehicle so hard that we all upchucked our Starbucks and crashed into a school bus. Don’t worry, the children were unharmed, but we found ourselves in the emergency room, which we used as an opportunity to get an outside opinion on Kaykay’s farts because Joel was unconscious. The hospital nurse claimed that Kaykay’s powerful cheese gas showed her zest for life and ability to see the positive in anything. He also suggested that she might be lactose intolerant and should stop eating cheese immediately, as she could have killed an entire second-grade class.
Cherla ordered some protein-packed hard-boiled eggs and a spread of fibrous veggies that smelled like farts already. Cherla’s farts definitely took the (vegan) cake. The potency actually awoke Joel from his semi-coma. He concluded that Cherla’s farts made her “one cool chick,” providing us with a teachable moment about not calling women chicks.