No, Your Dried Up Y2K Survival Kit Will Not Protect You From Vampires
How many times must we tell you?
I’m Furious That Bunny Ears Used My Picture in an Article about Micropenises
When Bunny Ears used a stock image of my face in an article about micropenises, I thought my life was over. It was only just beginning.
We’ve Discovered an All-Natural Vaping Alternative Called ‘Tobacco’
This amazing new tobacco plant is all-natural and therefore must be healthy. Right?
I Keep Accidentally Going To Spin Classes That Turn Out To Be Cleverly Named Laundromats
I ended up leaving after they finished playing “You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)” by Dead Or Alive for the sixth time. Is this all they play at this place, like, constantly on loop?
I Am NOT Trying To Cook You In This Ramen Noodle Bath
No, I’m not going to cook you in this soothing ramen noodle bath, dangit. And frankly, I’m offended you would even ask that.
I Shouldn’t Be Charged For The Hotel Room I Destroyed Doing Rage Yoga
I know I destroyed that hotel room. But you can’t persecute me for participating in rage yoga. I will contest this outrageous bill.
How To Surreptitiously Moisturize Your Husband
Is your husband’s skin dry, cracked, or scaly? Here’s some sneaky, virtually fool-proof ways to get that man to moisturize.
Charitable Pooping Is A Thing And Allow Me To Explain
Ever feel like you’re letting your poops go to waste? Have you ever considered dropping them on the doorstep of people who may or may not need them?
Our Festival Season Guide To The Most Luxe Antibiotics
Our hot new antibiotics primer let’s you get the most out of this year’s music festival without looking like a basic penicillin loser.
Fuck Your Tree The Way It Deserves To Be Fucked This Arbor Day
Show your tree how much you love it…physically.
Things To Do With The Scarabs That Keep Crawling Out Of Your Mouth
Stop spitting them into the garbage and do something useful with those beetles that emerge from your mouth for inscrutable reasons.
We Hired An Expert To Smell Our Farts
We believe in being introspective and learning about ourselves. That’s why we hired serious professionals to smell our farts.
Return To The Pagan Roots Of Easter By Shooting Eggs Out Your Vag
And the eggs are hard boiled, so brunch is served!
3 Best Places To Lay Your Eggs This Spring (And 4 You Shouldn’t!)
Wake up, you actual bear who has been sleeping for months. Bet you’re hungry.
Fresh Herbs To Plant In That Indent Left By Your Waistband
Time to roll up your sleeves, roll down your waistband, and tend to an indent herb garden of your own.
Swimming with Lobsters Might Be The Key to Curing Anxiety
“As I waded into a murky backyard pool in Long Beach, California, I felt that familiar tightening in my gut. My anxiety was rearing its ugly head, reminding me that I have an ever-present passenger. I continued forward, my lonely thighs now fully submerged, and felt a pinch. Then two more. I was not alone […]
The Best Anti-Aging Secret Is Still A Portrait That Grows Old For You
You’ll look fabulous—no matter how many atrocities you commit!
Moisturize Until You’re Frictionless And Entering The Speed Force
You will reach unfathomable velocity.
‘I Don’t See Disease’ Is The Hottest New Health Trend!
Don’t let disease get you down. Fight through your illness with our bold new method of denying its existence! You’ll be healthy in no time!
Love Yourself So Much It’s Inappropriate In Public
Love yourself like you recently met yourself, have been dating successfully for a month and have been banging yourself nonstop.
Improve Your Child’s Immunity By Coughing In Her Face
Coughing directly in your child’s face is the ecological, non-toxic, and natural way to ensure they grow healthy immune systems.
Western Medicine Is A Lie: What Are Penises REALLY For?!??!!!!!??!
Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?
Make The Most Of Your Dying Days And Multi-Task Your Bucket List
You’re going to die and nobody has a clue how it’s going to go down.
Old-Timey Car Horn Sounds To Make During A Breast Exam
A simple AYOOGA or BLEEP BLEEP can make all the difference.