Hypno-Birthing Works: I’ve Had 42 Kids And Feel Nothing
A woman’s womb is a sacred temple, full of spiritual energy, mucus, and sometimes one or more human babies. While doctors claim that the act of squeezing life out of our vaginas is “painful,” with potential “complications” like “deadly eclampsia,” I’m here to tell you that you don’t need an inorganic epidural that’s probably filled to the brim with GMOs and BPAs. You don’t need “science” at all! Women have been giving birth for millennia, long before fancy-pants modern medicine, and only hundreds of millions have died so far.
So ladies, it’s time to say “no” to pain medication and sanitary hospital conditions and “yes” to hypno-birthing. Trust me. I’ve had 42 perfect babies.
“What is hypno-birthing?” you unenlightened epidural-huffers might ask. It’s simple: Through the process of mindfulness and meditation, you can turn your labor contractions into labor satisfactions. You’ve been brainwashed into thinking that a newborn bursting forth from your loins is an unpleasant experience when all you really need to do is breathe and calmly visualize that you’re on a warm, relaxing beach-side vacation. That’s right—let the sounds of waves and gentle whale song distract you from that petty, insignificant perineal tear.
Hypno-birthing also teaches you to reclassify “pain” as “joy.” Just think of the intense stretching of your vaginal wall as a higher form of internal yoga. If the baby’s skull is putting pressure on your cervix, reframe it in your mind as a relaxing endo-massage.
Contractions? Please. As if you can scare me with some invented pain named after a (lame) grammatical form. Just think of the crushing, unrelenting spasms as your muscles jumping for joy at the new baby. “Hooray!” they scream in merciless succession, “here comes the baby!” Then they dance to the rhythm of celebratory Skrillex for hours and hours on end.
Using the power of my mind, I now view the act of childbirth like a refreshing spa day that comes around like clockwork every nine months thanks to the miracle of fertility medicine. (Hey, hormones are natural.) The beads of sweat on my brow are an excellent way of ridding my body of toxins. The tears streaming down my cheeks are akin to a refreshing saltwater face mask. What some consider “screaming,” I merely view as a soothing mantra, like a Tibetan singing bowl being beaten by a heavy mallet. I’ve personally become such a pro at hypno-birthing after dozens of labors that I once gave birth and didn’t even realize it until the umbilical cord snagged on a door handle.
I admit I’ve stumbled a few times on my hypno-birthing journey. With my first set of quadruplets, I initially went to a non-accredited birthing hypnotist and spent the next two weeks clucking like a chicken. I’ve also made the mistake of entering into a meditative trance so powerful that my babies came out as an incorporeal being of pure spiritual energy. This might not sound so bad, but I can’t use hand-me-downs on non-tangible children, and it’s an existential nightmare to breastfeed. I’ve also accidentally entered a higher plane of consciousness in which I became my own baby, and gosh was that awkward.
But don’t let my foibles deter you. Hypno-birthing works. While I can’t legally or morally claim that it’s safe or even smart, I can say that it’s changed the lives of several people, dozens of whom I have personally birthed. Remember, if you don’t give birth naturally, regardless of how naturally you conceived, science wins.