How to Listen to Your Body’s Needs Using 6 FT. of Hose and Some Lube
The human body is a wondrous place, like a majestic hedge maze but if you replace all the shrubbery with a working cardiovascular system. It deserves to be loved and cared for. But how does one truly know what the body needs? It’s time to listen to your body—a task that can easily be done with 6 ft. of hydraulic hose and a large bucket of wholesale lubrication.
Your Meat Frame Is A Tool—Treat It That Way
While the human body is absolutely a spiritual construct, you simply can’t hear its true needs if you keep it far away on a pedestal. Simply your perspective and accept that your body can be a lot of things — including a machine. And like all machines, sometimes you need to thrust an industrial hose inside of it in order to hear what’s going on. Just pick a hole, any hole into which you can insert at least 1 ft. of hose, and get ready for a little self-diagnosis. Just know that 1) there isn’t a comfortable hole to choose, 2) you can never have too much lube, and 3) it helps to have a wooden spoon or something similar you can bite down on.
The blood is perfectly normal. Blood is simply the oil of the vehicle you call your body. When a vehicle is serviced, sometimes, a little oil gets out. It goes without saying that you should be doing this in a bathtub or on some kind of easily cleaned surface, but it’s good to have a rag or two handy in case you begin to spurt.
Check With Your Insurance Provider Before You Listen To Your Body
A little vertigo and nausea is also normal, especially if you’ve used a copious volume of industrial lubricant, lost a lot of blood, and/or gotten the hose stuck. Losing consciousness is a perfectly natural response to any or all of these things. That does mean, unfortunately, that a loved one may find you passed out in a pool of WD-40 and your own blood with a hose shoved up your ass, misconstrue the situation, and take you to the hospital, so you might want to double-check what kinds of self-administered medical procedures your insurance provider covers before listening to your body. While this totally natural way of discovering your body’s needs was approved by our on-staff spiritual doctors,* it is still not widely accepted by the medical community and most likely will not be covered by your H.M.O. if a misunderstanding happens to arise. Believe me, it’s not fun to be sitting in the waiting room of some insurance company in the condition you’ll be in after this goes down. Sitting, in general, is very much a task.
Still, if you manage to get the hose in there and then put the other end to your ear, you’ll surely learn the many wants of your body, one of which will hopefully be to give me a couple hundred dollars. I’d really appreciate it if you could lend me whatever you can spare. Thanks.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
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