Tag Archives: David Bell

Let’s face it: nobody likes birds. This goes double for any salt-of-the-earth farmer maintaining their autumn kale crop or repurposed urban xeriscape. Unfortunately our current scarecrow technology has yet to advance past the wasteful hay usage long established in the 1900s, and I for one think it’s time we change that. That’s why I came …

Ever since it’s been scientifically proven that plastic straws are the number-one and only threat to our Mother Earth, we as a society have come together to annihilate every last shred of this tubular capitalist sin and herald a new age where the oceans are completely and forever safe. Congratulations! But no victory is without …

Everyone enlightened with holistic knowledge knows that doctors are the Hitlers of modern history. While peace is the best policy, there comes a time in every person’s life when they simply must fight back against oppression, and in the war for our children’s safety, there is no price too high. This is why, in the …

I’m not oblivious. I know it’s not always easy for my oceanic disciples to follow every single lesson laid out in my expansive collection of self-help literature/chant books/diet charts/underwater ashram chore schedules. We aren’t all millionaires — which is why I will never charge a flat fee for my guidance into the vestigial temple of …

Ask any math or morphological expert and they’ll tell you that the list is by far the strongest structure in nature. A bee’s honeycomb consists of an unordered list of hexagons. Trees are assigned a list of leaves that annually drop off to be subsequently re-appended. And of course, the biological superiority of a creature …

Millennials are reportedly the least likely generation to consider themselves religious. And as the proud leader of my own legally-defined church, I find it greatly disheartening that this new generation appears to worship their Beyoncés and Andrew Garfields over the one true God. And considering the oppression my divine faith has received from the so-called …

When early ape arose from the shore of our great ocean womb, no longer could we protect our monkey eggs from the harshness of a dry environment. It was then that our vestigial tail bud tissue formed the pulpy genitalia we so cherish today. For snakes, this process involved unused limb flesh being repurposed into …

You’ve worked hard all week, and quite frankly, you deserve a break! That’s why we’ve created this slideshow of black and white photos of pregnant women for you to do, you know, whatever with. No need to go into detail. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy these beautiful visions of gestation in whatever manner you …