Dating Tips For Ensuring They Don’t Find Your Box Of Fake Security Badges

With so many options and obstacles, the modern dating world can be tough to navigate. The last thing an on-the-market singleton needs is for that new special someone to stumble upon your embarrassing collection of scattered fake security badges and hospital IDs. Worry not, fair bachelor/bachelorette—here are some handy tips for ensuring your date doesn’t stumble upon your forbidden box of no-no secrets.

Try To Direct The Conversation Away From The Mysterious Box

It’s simple, it’s easy, and it works about 60% of the time. Steer your date away from the strange box you’ve stored in your car trunk or crawl space by simply asking questions far from the subject of boxes, e.g. “Have you ever read Catcher In The Rye?” or “What is your favorite type of bag?” The key here is for your deflection from the hidden stacks of fake security badges ranging from theme parks to corporate offices to every stadium in the United States to appear natural but firm.

If your date begins to ask questions that could possibly relate to your taboo secret (“What’s inside your backpack?” or “Why can’t I see where you live?”), simply look them in the eyes and give a stern yet playful response like “Oh, I’d tell you, but then I’d have to fuckin’ kill you, ha ha!” before making physical contact with a shoulder or brushing their hair. If you can turn it into a smooch moment, all the better!

Wrap The Box Like A Christmas Gift (Christmastime Only)

This is probably the best way to keep your date from finding your special box of dark pleasures. No one questions the contents of a wrapped gift, nor do they dare open it unless instructed. If they ask you directly about it, just tell them it’s a special gift and that they will find out in due time. You’re technically not lying!

Be warned! This technique only works around the holidays and only for a limited period of time. They will absolutely get suspicious if the box continues to be wrapped far into the new year. If necessary, change the wrapping on the box every few weeks and pretend that you have a lot of birthday parties on your calendar. Not only does this cover up your box, it gives you a reason to be frequently out of town.

Casually Refer To The Box As Your “Spider Box”

Few people enjoy a box of spiders. If your date happens to gaze upon your Box of Forbidden Selves, simply wave a hand at it, say “Oh, that over there is my spider box,” and continue the conversation like normal. Rarely will they question it or desire to see inside.

If you feel like making it a whole production, you can even label the box “MY SPIDERS” and avoid the conversation altogether. Do you have a tape recorder nearby? Record yourself making spider sounds, and play the recording on a loop close to the box’s location. This will keep them far away from your box.

Put The Box In A Room Filled With Similar Boxes

As seen on Indiana Jones! If you have extra space in your home or compound, a great way to keep that special someone away from your box of fake identities is to stack it among a larger group of similar boxes. Tell your date that you are simply at a transitional point in life and haven’t unpacked all of your stuff yet. If they offer to help you unpack as a romantic gesture, deflect by taking offense. Say something like “Is that your idea of a good time? I thought you were the one.”

If you want to be extra sure that they will avoid your box, this technique can be paired with the “spider box” method. In fact, with enough resources, you could fill each decoy box with recordings of your vocal spider sounds, creating a cacophony of synthetic arachnids your date will want nothing to do with. You could even put a sign on the door that says “MY SPIDER ROOM”!

If Push Comes To Shove, You May Need To Subdue Your Date And Move To A New Town

Let’s be honest: It was always going to end this way. Often do we deny that a relationship isn’t going to work out, but if the situation gets critical, there’s no shame in hitting your date on the back of the head with a tire iron and then moving to a new town. After all, what’s the point of protecting your box of fake security badges if you aren’t going to be using them?