The Importance Of Time-Travel-Restricted Eating
The practice of time-restricted eating—that is, eating only between specific hours of the day—has been shown to be beneficial in many ways. In scientific studies, rats who were offered food only within eight- or nine-hour windows were more likely to lose weight and had fewer weight-related health problems. Nutritionists believe this is because reducing the time during which you’re allowed to eat reduces overall calorie intake and helps you avoid common diet pitfalls, such as eating when you’re hungry.
You may be tempted, of course, when embarking on a time-restricted eating plan, to cheat by taking advantage of your time machine. After all, why did you pay that guy with the vague accent and obviously fake mustache all that money if you weren’t going to use it? None of these scientists say you can’t use a time machine to eat as much as you want, so if you fail to see any weight loss or health benefits, it’s legally not your fault. However, there are a number of reasons this is a bad idea.
A Bowl Of Cheetos Is Not Worth Rupturing The Space-Time Continuum
Your first instinct to simply hop back in time an hour or two and keep feasting once your 6:00 P.M. moratorium on calories begins seems harmless enough. After all, what can happen in just a few hours?
A lot can happen, my friend. Any number of things you do differently can cause irreversible damage to the present and future. Did you learn nothing from our girl Gwynnie’s 1998 instant classic Sliding Doors? If just taking a later train is enough to derail (ohhhhhh, I just got that metaphor, what a great movie) your whole life, what do you think eating six more cupcakes will do to it?
I know what you’re thinking: “But I can just go back in time again and fix it!” You fool! The merest flap of a butterfly’s wings can have enormous effects, so unless you plan to document your every twitch and exactly replicate it, there’s no hope for you. Sure, it might be fun to get stuck reliving the same hour or two over and over trying to make things right, but is that extra chicken leg really worth it?
The Future Isn’t Now, Dumbass
You might think you can get around the problems of time travel by instead using time travel to go several hours into the future when your food-window reopens, but you would be completely, idiotically wrong. Were you not planning on doing anything in those several hours? How are you going to explain your absence to your family? Your spouse is going to think you’re having an affair, and even if they believe that you simply jumped through time so you could get to your French toast sooner, now they know you have a time machine. Is that what you want? For everyone to know you have a time machine? Because that’s how you get burgled of your time machine. You know they can’t keep a secret. It’s kind of adorable, in its way, but this is no time for sentimentality.
If you’re banking on some facsimile of you continuing to live and not eat during those hours—after all, we don’t actually know how this works—that’s even worse. You’re going to have to pull off some Memento shit to find out what you did during those hours. If this becomes a habit, people are going to start to suspect that you’re getting early-onset dementia or something. Do you wanna end up in a home? Just so you can have second-dinner?
I hope you’ve learned your lesson. If you really find it impossible to resist the temptation, just eat the damn cupcakes. You can always just time travel to the year they cure diabetes.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…