Every Culkin Brother Ranked (By Macaulay Culkin)

May 23, 2019 by , featured in All Things Macaulay Culkin, Pop Culture
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A few days before my interview with Macaulay Culkin, I received a call from his manager, who I suspect was Culkin himself. He sounded exactly like the Home Alone 2 star and didn’t bother to disguise his voice. “I — or rather, Mack — would like you to abide by some rules. He doesn’t want to talk about his acting, the Pizza Underground, or his website.” When I asked what he did want to discuss, his “manager” said “Family!” and hung up. After some pleasantries at the tire shop where Culkin was getting his tires rotated, I took out my notepad, and he sprang into action. “My manager told you what we’re doing, right?”

“Not exactly,” I said, to which Culkin replied, “I’m giving the people what they want. Finally.” Herein is a transcript of our conversation, in which Macaulay Culkin delivered what he called the “definitive ranking” of Hollywood’s many Culkin brothers.

5. Christian Culkin

“I resent him because everything I’ve done, he had to go do, too. I’m not talking about just career stuff, although he did produce, direct, and star in a frame-by-frame remake of The Pagemaster and start a band that only did songs about calzones. I’m talking pre-Hollwood. I got a home run in a T-ball game one time, and immediately after, he ran out onto the field, put the ball on the T, whiffed it, then ran around the bases like he hit a home run, too. Some things just stay with you.”

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4. Macaulay Culkin

macaulay culkin

“I’m not going to rank myself any higher than fourth. I’m not an asshole. However, did you see Saved? I was really good in that. Still, I docked myself some points for my tragic flaw, which is that I just care too much, you know? You wouldn’t believe how many oil-covered baby ducks I’m taking care of right now.”

3. Shane Culkin

“I’ve got nothing against Shane. He’s a nice enough guy. He always sends a funny birthday card. Fun fact: Out of all us Culkin brothers, he’s the one who most resembles Xantho Culkin, the medieval warrior god depicted on our family crest.”

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2. Kieran Culkin

kieran culkin

“He was one slot lower, but then I rewatched Succession over the weekend. He’s just magnificent. If he gets a Best Supporting Actor nomination at the Emmy’s, we’re revising this list.”

1. Rory Culkin

rory culkin

“Of all the people I’ve ever met in my life — which, at this point, is at least 40 people — only one of them has never failed to put a smile on my face, and that is Rory. Sweet, sweet Rory. The baby of the family. Also — and you can’t tell him I said this — he has the best hair of any Culkin. Rory, you beautiful bastard, you’re my favorite.”

Images: Instagram, MGM, Instagram, MySpace, YouTube/HBO, YouTube/NBC


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2 Comments

  1. Wow, you guys all look soooo different……well, Kieran and Mack look a lot alike, but not the others. Yes, Rory has the hair…..but Mack has everything else! And yes, you were great in SAVED!, which I saw quite by accident one lazy day while channel surfing. Anyway, you really do belong in the top spot on any good list, imo.

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